Well, this is official. I don’t get men… I SURE don’t see when they do or don’t like me. Well in my case… they never have. Let me explain…
This past week has been a great example of how pathetic and inadequate I can be!
A few years back I fell for a guy. Let’s just say that I didn’t really help my case at the very beginning as I acted a bit paranoid once… out of fear to be rejected. Anyways… he still talked to me after that… but then we became more like fuck buddies. Well… for him. For me it was more and I was hoping (stupidly) for an evolution in the right direction. I thought that he did like me at least a little bit and was not against the idea. I even once heard it from another person. But yeah… I heard it and then 2 weeks later he was dating a girl and letting me go. Anyways… last week I decided to ask if at some point he had considered something with me… his answer: NEVER! Why? Cause he never had that little thing we all need to pursue someone. Not his fault. And I should have been prepared… but I was not. And it did hurt.
Then I mentioned a guy joking at first and then really offering to come into my room at the dorm I used to stay in until last week. Well… it happened twice and I felt that maybe it was not a joke anymore. Even others thought so… they told me! And teased us! So… after considering it and the situation I am in… I decided to suggest we’d hang out. And wait for it… he said ok but only if I didn’t have any hopes for more. So I did get to ask about those offers he made… and he said it was all jokes and he thought I knew. He felt really bad as he’s been chasing another girl for a long time. Me? I felt stupid once again…
So yeah…. I think I absolutely don’t get men. I think I know when they don’t care. But when I think maybe they do care… well it also means they don’t! I think I should start from this point of view from now on… no man ever cares for me in a “I am truly interested in you and want to get to know you”. Cause they don’t.
And it’s so nice because now I am falling back into this damn depression with all the changes in my life. Between being back in my own home without all those friends around. Being back to my loneliness. Entering a new career with new people and everything to prove. The frustration of it too. And this ongoing singlehood and failure. It’s just a bit much… maybe why each night I get some damn nightmares of me fighting against monsters and bad guys alone.
It hurts… yet I cannot do anything about it. Vent on here I guess… but yeah, never take advice from me on whether a guy likes you or not… Cause unless it’s SUPER Obvious, I won’t know!