Damn heart!

I might have said it before, but since I was a child, I’ve had only one constant dream : to find my man and get married. This was my lifeline, my refuge. When things weren’t nice, I would think of it, imagine it, make up a big story that would help me escape reality. But with all my past experiences, my mistakes, the many rejections I went through from men, and how I lost myself in all this, my dream got away. I lost the capacity to imagine a love story, because I lost the belief in it.

However, after this huge realization, something happened. I started to converse more with a colleague that I had always appreciated. Nothing took place, nothing will. But my stupid heart started to like him. Why is it stupid ? Because this man is not available, and there is no possiblity for me. My head knew it, but my damn heart chose to ignore it. There is so much one can control ! I am glad he’s not like many, who would cheat and do a lot of crappy stuff. I wouldn’t want to be part of that. But I know we connected, and that i can only be a friendship. And I am SO mad at my stupid heart for caring after this season of hopelessness for someone with which there is no hope ! So I went from… no hope at all, to falling for the wrong person. So really… I am back to no hope. There is no one out there for me. The people who could match my personality, my desires, my expectations, are propbably all taken already anyways. I am not sure if it’s better or worse. But I am mad, I am sad. I don’t get the point of this stupid torture. I don’t get how I can be that pathetic !? Because really, I knew better ! I should have learned…

I might look like a bad person for entertaining those thoughts, and no worries… I have been harsh on myself for it. And I still am. There is nothing to be proud about. I am annoyed and disappointed with myself for being so stupid, for even imagining anything. If I am unable to imagine things with a person that doesn’t exist, but can with someone that I sure cannot have… what does it say about me ? All my time at the therapist, all my prayers, all the decisions I’ve made these past two years… for that. The first man I fall for after the tough breakup and the big turmoil in my life… had to be already taken. Seriously ?? What is wrong with me ?

Now, I am left feeling like a fool. I am sad. I don’t know what to think anymore. I want to hide and sleep for ages. My stomach is all screwed up since… And I am back in a dark place when it comes to love and relationship. I feel too needy, too wanting, and I thought I had passed that stage now. But NO !! Big mistake ! Did I learn anything ? Did I grow really ? I am not sure… and so it makes me fall back down the pit of despair when it comes to finding love, because really I feel unworthy.

When you never get it!

Well, this is official. I don’t get men… I SURE don’t see when they do or don’t like me. Well in my case… they never have. Let me explain…

This past week has been a great example of how pathetic and inadequate I can be!

A few years back I fell for a guy. Let’s just say that I didn’t really help my case at the very beginning as I acted a bit paranoid once… out of fear to be rejected. Anyways… he still talked to me after that… but then we became more like fuck buddies. Well… for him. For me it was more and I was hoping (stupidly) for an evolution in the right direction. I thought that he did like me at least a little bit and was not against the idea. I even once heard it from another person. But yeah… I heard it and then 2 weeks later he was dating a girl and letting me go. Anyways… last week I decided to ask if at some point he had considered something with me… his answer: NEVER! Why? Cause he never had that little thing we all need to pursue someone. Not his fault. And I should have been prepared… but I was not. And it did hurt.

Then I mentioned a guy joking at first and then really offering to come into my room at the dorm I used to stay in until last week. Well… it happened twice and I felt that maybe it was not a joke anymore. Even others thought so… they told me! And teased us! So… after considering it and the situation I am in… I decided to suggest we’d hang out. And wait for it… he said ok but only if I didn’t have any hopes for more. So I did get to ask about those offers he made… and he said it was all jokes and he thought I knew. He felt really bad as he’s been chasing another girl for a long time. Me? I felt stupid once again…

So yeah…. I think I absolutely don’t get men. I think I know when they don’t care. But when I think maybe they do care… well it also means they don’t! I think I should start from this point of view from now on… no man ever cares for me in a “I am truly interested in you and want to get to know you”. Cause they don’t.

And it’s so nice because now I am falling back into this damn depression with all the changes in my life. Between being back in my own home without all those friends around. Being back to my loneliness. Entering a new career with new people and everything to prove. The frustration of it too. And this ongoing singlehood and failure. It’s just a bit much… maybe why each night I get some damn nightmares of me fighting against monsters and bad guys alone.

It hurts… yet I cannot do anything about it. Vent on here I guess… but yeah, never take advice from me on whether a guy likes you or not… Cause unless it’s SUPER Obvious, I won’t know!

Love life… or what is up

So… I decided to start with that aspect of my life. I don’t think I can call it my love life… but it’ll do. So… what are my thoughts on this as of late?

Well over the past year I’ve realized a few things about men. Well men in this society… and I don’t want to make this a generality. But those situations are what I got to encounter.

1) the man who does not say straight that he is engaged

2) the man who thinks you’re up for a night of sex because you are ok talking and joking about the topic

3) the man who does not want to commit or be a boyfriend but is oh so affectionate when you’re with him in private

4) the man who sees you as a girl he really wants to have in his bed once, no matter his status

5) the younger guy who thinks it’d be great to have sex with a 35 years old

6) the first love who put you through a lot but whom you forgave, who thinks maybe in 2 years if you’re both single, you could get married

7) the man who you would not say no to if he was to leave his girlfriend and wanted to be with you

Yup… those are all situations I’ve encountered. Don’t get me wrong, they never were assholes to me. Maybe some have been a bit harsh or rude, or crude I should say… but ntohing mean. However, let’s admit this… they haven’t made me feel special or wanted in all that I am. Far from it… Either I am a convenient hobby when there is a hole in the schedule, no matter the affection. Or I am just a fun fuck to be had. Or a good backup plan. But I don’t want to be any of that. Now, I sure don’t want them all to ask me out. That would not be nice as I’d have to tell them no. Most are cute etc, but they are not provoking the little flame in me. So yeah, best they don’t. However, it makes me feel not worth the effort of love and of going out.

The good thing is that I can try and feel flattered. And I kinda do. But I am 35. I want more in life than to be a good fuck. I want to be wanted and loved for all that I am. I want the real kind of love. And the trust, the faithfulness that go with it. The long lasting kind… of devotion and commitment, especially in the harder times. However it is not what is going on. And it frustrates me. Because as the years pass by, I see that my wishes are dying out.

Also… I realize my mistakes. Men are mostly unable to talk about sex without reading it wrong. And so I should just stop being so open on the topic. It gives them a wrong idea. An open door they just dare taking but that is not really open. And then I have to say no.

As for the man I would take back if he came back… I am not sure what to do with that. At least it’s not really happening so… but I was not over him like I thought I was. And it’s dumb!

Anyways… many questions… but it seems society creates men who don’t know how to commit, who are scared because they’ve been treated like crap… who want to just use sex as a product and give nothing for it. It’s a sad society… for a person like me, it’s worse lol!

 

I am not giving up!

At the end of last week I came to face something I had already faced years ago… this world is filled with self-centered people who cannot fully give in any sort of relationships. They are so detached that everything seems real but is very much superficial.

We are in a world where people move on if things do not go their way. They give up… on people, on situations without even trying. Why? Because they cannot handle the hurt… they are afraid. They leave in fear even if they would never admit to it.

And yes… it is spreading. If you care too much for someone, it will look like you’re too needy. If you mourn a relationship or a friendship, then you were too attached and caring and something is wrong with you. If you fight for someone, you will look clingy and pathetic. Ask most people around you… and they will tell you that.

I have been told that. And you know what? It made me think. Well in that case, if you think that way… it means I cannot trust you. I cannot count on you. I know that you don’t fully care because you don’t want to or cannot. I know that if I were to leave or disappear, you would not feel much if anything… And it hurt. It sure did.

What was my first reaction? I want to hide. I want to isolate myself. Because I care deeply, I hurt intensely, I fight for people… and rejection is thus even harder. And who loves to hurt? Who loves to have their heart chipped at? Broken piece by piece? Certainly not me… because it leaves traces. So I wanted to stay away from people. It might not be so bad and we should do that with some people… but it was not right either.

It is fucking scary to put myself out there. It is fucking scary to fight for someone who seems to have left me behind because I believe in what we had. It is scary to imagine the pain I will maybe feel again if he keeps turning away from me. And it is scary to even try to have friends in a world where people are detached emotionally… where sex is a sport… where a breakup is like changing phones…

I haven’t gotten back to the point where I will have enough courage to fight with actions. I will admit it… I am still too scared. But I am getting to the point where I refuse to follow the grain of this world. I refuse to live a life where I am just detached, cautiously getting close to people but always keeping some distance. I refuse to care LESS because it could hurt more. I refuse to let go of people easily because it’s safer for my heart. I don’t even know if I truly could.

And so soon I will fight for this friendship. I will try to get it back… maybe in a better shape than ever because of this obstacle. I will do my best to show him that I care… that it is not fickle, that it is not self-centered. That I am not here to leave and let him go. And maybe he will reject me again. Maybe he will just not respond at all… and I will hurt and bleed inside. But I don’t give up on people.

And yes… people will think I am crazy. That I got no self-respect or self-esteem to chase after someone. That I should not care… But if someone was to do that for me… I would feel loved and special. Of course if done in a healthy way… Imagine you’ve hurt someone that you were close to, for any reason… but you care for them. And you don’t know how to deal with it all… or what to say. And they come back because no matter how much you’ve hurt them, they still care and forgive. I have seen people walk away because they had gotten hurt by something I said. And I felt TERRIBLE. I tried apologizing, but nothing would do. And I would have been glad to see them come to me after all this, still desiring a friendship. Because it meant something… in a world where nothing means anything.

So I will fight. I will care. Maybe more cautiously… I will take time to heal, to build up courage. But I will not let the world tell me I am a failure and a mistake. Something weird that does it all wrong. Why? Because it’s out of love. Because I know deep in my heart that what I feel is unconditional love… that it’s genuine. If it wasn’t… then they could walk away from me. But it is not the case… and I refuse to let them go without a fight. Not by crawling back and accepting anything… but by saying… I got hurt real bad… but I still want you in my life. It makes no sense… but in my world, if God was to walk away every time I turned my back to Him by not talking to Him, or getting mad at Him or when I was hurting Him by my behavior… then there would be no hope. That would NOT be true love.

AND I WANT TO SEE MORE TRUE LOVE IN THIS WORLD…. even if it means being one in a million and looking like a fool.

Forced to learn the “letting go” part…

The hardest thing for me to do is to… let go. To release someone up to God and life… to stop and try to make things happen or to fix them. I don’t think I’ve ever fully managed to do that.

So I wonder if what is happening right now is not a lesson where I am FORCED to let go. I actually have no choice. Well I do… but then I would turn into a psycho stalker bordering harassment. And I don’t want to do that…

For over a week now, out of nowhere, someone I felt close to… someone I care for greatly and have feelings for… chose to 1) stop reading my messages and finally 2) block my calls. Why? I don’t know. I have many scenarios possible in my head… but I am thinking that the most probable one is that he chose to deal with my attachment to him that he did not return in that immature way. Even if that does not make sense coming from him since I so loved his maturity and mental stability…

But it is what it is. It hurts like a bitch. My head is constantly hurting from the crying. I even managed to cry in public in my dad’s arms… it’s heart wrenching. It breaks me inside to feel again such a rejection from someone I had confided in because he told me to… from someone I trusted and chose to trust when my past would try to come and destroy the present. And I dared being me… to be rejected for it probably. So it hurts… and I miss him. I don’t understand, I got no explanation… and I don’t know that I ever will. It does not really make any sense and no matter his reasons, they will never be good excuses. Because adults talk… they don’t act like that.

Anyways… now I can only let go. I have to. It’s tough. I hate every second of it. I only want to sleep because that’s when I don’t think. And well… I don’t rest when I sleep anyways, so more sleep cannot be bad.

People say that he’ll come back. But why would he? He chose to suddenly cut me off… why would he suddenly come back? There is no reason for it… He won’t. And if I ever see him again, if ever our paths cross again… how will it be? I am ashamed. I am hurt. I am broken… once again. And it feels worse than before. But I am helpless and powerless as well. I just have to put on a smile and keep going. I have to try… I have to numb the pain. To move on… even though I can never forget.

I am forced to let go… in a cruel mean way. My biggest fear came true when I tried to not listen to it over and over again because he was not like the others… And I am left without explanation. Alone… hurting. Forced to let go.

Abandoned

So… bear with me. This will NOT make me look as the best Christian ever, but at least it will be bluntly and frankly honest.

We all struggle in life. But at times it’s harder and gets to the point where you see no way out.

If you’ve read my entries, you know that I am the hopeless romantic who has always wanted to find a man to spend her life with… and ALSO who always ended up bumping into the wall of NO.

Well… yes we can all learn and grow from this. Yes, if one doesn’t work, it might mean better is waiting for you. But that can last for so long until you get sick of the failing and heartache.

Personally I am sick of it. I don’t want to have to wait for better. I don’t want to get another no. I don’t see the point. I want it all to stop. In all this, I tried to be better, to become less this or more that since at times I was too needy, clingy or insecure. Letting the brain taking over. I sought out God and asked for His help repeatedly. For His will to be clear. And for His protection from more mistakes.

And I have now reached the point where I want to say… DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU CARE? Looks like you don’t. I ask for protection… I get hurt again. I asked for guidance… looks like what I heard was BS. I asked to have my dream come true, for a miracle… got another heartache. So seriously… is that some damn cruel joke? I put that desire in your heart to get married, just to make sure you NEVER get it and try harder to become better? I know this is all wrong in my head… in my emotions. A lack of sleep is not helping. But again, if things were not as stupid I would sleep.

Anyways… I feel abandoned by the one person on this planet who could do ANYTHING to help me: GOD. I feel like I am alone. Like He is not hearing me and does not care. Like I will never have my dream and I can just stop hoping. BUT I cannot stop hoping, of course! So that is where torture starts… Sure, I can hear many advice, insightful comments… but I am sick of it all. I want to stop hurting, hoping, failing. And I feel helpless and powerless to make it all stop… because if HE doesn’t end it, how could I? So the future does not seem very bright.

The promises of happy endings, the promises of a better time to come, the promise of a family to be part of my future… another plan to torture me? I know God is not a bad mean God. But at this point I feel like He’s forgotten me and will withhold this “reward” from me forever. Why? I don’t know… and of course I am not to know. He is God. I should not question Him. Or His will. But is really His will to see me hurt over and over again and not hear my plea to stop the vicious cycle and to protect me from myself?

I don’t know… I just want this all to end. I want answers. And I want it to WORK OUT for once. And for the final time too… I see no point in managing happiness when it feels so shitty here. I can’t.

So I feel abandoned. Alone. Forsaken. And I shouldn’t… but I am in the darkest pit and even though I try to get out… I am not.

Giving space is scary

Giving space to someone is not the easiest thing to achieve. At least for me… because it is like giving them space to leave and forget me.

I am not sure exactly what led to this… but I grew up with the fear of people getting to know me and leaving me afterwards. For me it is very important to feel secure within a relationship of any sort. With my family there is no problem. I believe that they will never leave me. They might not fully know me, but I trust them to stay and accept me no matter what. After all, blood is thicker than water.

I know people who have had friends for years… some kept MANY of those childhood friends or school friends close. I haven’t. I never really bonded with anyone growing up. Some… yes. But not strongly. Thus why I don’t even have my university friends. We never kept in touch once I started drifting. The strange thing, looking back, I don’t exactly know what made me drift off… but I started disconnecting. Mentally then physically.

There are some friends that have been there for a long time. But I can really see ONE friend that I can consider very close (not geographically) and this has been the case for over 10 years now. So not that old… I know it’s a strong friendship because she’s seen me at my worse time. And we’ve stayed close even through those life events that can often make people drift: her wedding, her four children while I am single. She disagreed with me on some stuff… but stuck with me. That is what I call true friendship.

So yes… I obviously have a fear of people. I get attached, but I don’t. I am myself, but not entirely. And while it was easier when I was young, now it’s harder to not get attached. Well, maybe it is with friends as I’ve learned to see that friends can come and go. But I also know that I long for that ONE connection with a man that will last and make me feel secure, loved and wanted. And that is probably where I get the most scared.

This person would become family, but would not be blood. So it’s a mix between friends and family… and it makes it scary. So I do want it bad… but it scares me to death when I care for a man in that sense. So maybe that is also why with some I have sabotaged it… because of that fear taking over me.

So yes… right now I am doing what I have never really fully done. I am giving him space to heal, to get better… In the past I only did give time to man once he told me off or was with someone else. So it’s not really like I had a choice in walking away. But this time, I have to. And it scares me.

When he left on his trip, I wished him well in a note… that his time away (not long) would help him and make him come back way better… starting a new chapter. And saying that I hoped to be part of it. But it’s not up to me. I am there… available to him. But he’s gotta have this time. And it’s either… he wants me in it or he doesn’t. And it’s his choice… and it is scary.

With him… I tried to be more open, to trust him more, to reveal more of who I am and of my thoughts… I tried to be me. I felt secure… now I feel less secure in this friendship. And my feelings make it worse. But it’s not all about me. It is hard to be hopeful for this to turn into something else… hard to be positive… but the future is… the future. What matters is the now. And the now is: friendship, him healing, me working on my issues.

So we will see what happens… but for now, space to you!

Stop with the positivity, please.

We can mostly all agree that being negative is not good… I would much prefer being positive. However sometimes it is just too hard, and positivity or encouragements are just things you want to throw into people’s face.

I am completely sick of this.

People want to encourage you… with words such as courage. Or they will tell you how awesome you are. How much you deserve the greatest guy and so on.

Or they will give you the reasons why it’s not worked out for you:

• He cannot handle you
• He’s not good enough or doesn’t feel worthy of you
• Better awaits you
• It’s just God protecting you from the wrong one
• Something great will happen but it just takes more time

Or they will try to give you some advice:

• See the positive in this
• You’ve learned something about yourself and what you want
• Just count your blessings
• Try to do something just for you
• Take care of yourself
• Be grateful because you’ve got lots going on for you

Yes, all this is true. Yes all this makes sense and is made of wisdom and good thinking.

But sorry, right now I am sick of all that. I don’t want to hear it anymore. NOTHING!

What I want is for the situation to be resolved. What I want is for a miracle to happen. What I want is for a GOOD outcome instead of the same damn fucking rejection. I don’t want a SOLUTION or any adivce. I want something to happen that is POSITIVE. Something to happen where I can see that what I’ve done and who I am is ENOUGH. That yes, it’s good I keep on working on my personal issues… but yes, I can receive a great gift EVEN IF I AM NOT PERFECT!

Moreover… I want this feeling of injustice, which probably leads to self-pity, to be destroyed by something incredible. I want a change. I NEED a change. In what I feel, what I think… and what happens.

I am so ANGRY at this life… at God. It feels like I will never do or be enough. And I am trying so hard… I have for so long. But I am imperfect and I make mistakes. I am weak too at times… but I fucking try! Some people cheat, lie… play with others’ feelings, cheat some more. And yet they are able to find someone who love them. But when you try your hardest to be a good person, to truly care and love someone… nope… fail.

The dream of building my family… of having kids later on… each year it goes away. Each year it diminishes. I mean… what is the damn point of having hopes and dreams if it’s only to be disappointed, rejected and ignored? If I am so damn fucked up in the head, then why not kill that damn dream and make me want to be single. That should be easy enough!

Anyways… I am just done with the positivity… with the patience… with the working on myself… with trying to fix things, to solve others… It leads to NO good results, to no happy ending/beginning… just to more loneliness and feeling of being unwanted. So please… shut up with your kind words or advice… I cannot take them anymore. I’ve heard them all.

However, thanks for trying.

 

Failed attemps… me venting

When you’ve been through many failed attempts with men, you tend to think that… it cannot work ever.

However, at times you find the strength to hope again. To hope for a miracle. To think that you need to be more positive and optimistic. To think that this time it is not like last time…

But is it ever exactly the same? No. However… the result is always the same. It’s a big ass failure. It’s another refusal, it’s another man “friendzoning” me.

I don’t know why the hell I happen to think that I gotta be myself… that it can work out… that this miracle can finally happen. Why I think that not following the “rules” of this world, the “advice” of people, the voice of reason would get me somewhere because I’d follow my own heart and instinct. Can I even trust myself? I am far from convinced of this.

So while I cannot trust my own instinct, I cannot either trust others’ advice. So… dilemma… or simply the impossible thing to overcome.

I grow in bitterness… I grow in feeling that this is all a big injustice. That while the guy who fucked me up in a big way can see his loving relationship getting better (one after a few committed ones)… I am left alone and rejected. How fucking fair is that? I am not saying I am an angel, a pure spotless saint, the perfect and ideal woman with no flaws whatsoever… far from it. But for crying out loud… I never treated someone like they were a convenience or a piece of sausage. I never led someone on. I may have disappointed someone who thought they were in love with me… and might have to turn one man down after having given him chances that he blew so badly that I got hurt in the process… but I am not a player, a heartbreaker, a fickle woman…

But why would it matter? It’s not enough to not be bad. Like it’s too much to be giving and generous and loving… I can never be right. I can never do what is right. I cannot follow the rules of society like I cannot follow my own rules. It’s fucking torture… and it’s leading only to more disappointment, more heartbreak and more failing.

I want a damn MIRACLE! That is how I’ve come to see it… a success in love… miracle for me! But why should I even want it? To be more disappointed? Probably.

Yes… this was me venting. This was me screaming on my scream how frustrated I am, how unfair this damn life is at times… and how I try so damn hard, but it’s never enough and it hurts!

I just want him to fall for me too… that’s all. 😦