We can mostly all agree that being negative is not good… I would much prefer being positive. However sometimes it is just too hard, and positivity or encouragements are just things you want to throw into people’s face.

I am completely sick of this.

People want to encourage you… with words such as courage. Or they will tell you how awesome you are. How much you deserve the greatest guy and so on.

Or they will give you the reasons why it’s not worked out for you:

  • He cannot handle you
  • He’s not good enough or doesn’t feel worthy of you
  • Better awaits you
  • It’s just God protecting you from the wrong one
  • Something great will happen but it just takes more time

Or they will try to give you some advice:

  • See the positive in this
  • You’ve learned something about yourself and what you want
  • Just count your blessings
  • Try to do something just for you
  • Take care of yourself
  • Be grateful because you’ve got lots going on for you

Yes, all this is true. Yes all this makes sense and is made of wisdom and good thinking.

But sorry, right now I am sick of all that. I don’t want to hear it anymore. NOTHING!

What I want is for the situation to be resolved. What I want is for a miracle to happen. What I want is for a GOOD outcome instead of the same damn fucking rejection. I don’t want a SOLUTION or any adivce. I want something to happen that is POSITIVE. Something to happen where I can see that what I’ve done and who I am is ENOUGH. That yes, it’s good I keep on working on my personal issues… but yes, I can receive a great gift EVEN IF I AM NOT PERFECT!

Moreover… I want this feeling of injustice, which probably leads to self-pity, to be destroyed by something incredible. I want a change. I NEED a change. In what I feel, what I think… and what happens.

I am so ANGRY at this life… at God. It feels like I will never do or be enough. And I am trying so hard… I have for so long. But I am imperfect and I make mistakes. I am weak too at times… but I fucking try! Some people cheat, lie… play with others’ feelings, cheat some more. And yet they are able to find someone who love them. But when you try your hardest to be a good person, to truly care and love someone… nope… fail.

The dream of building my family… of having kids later on… each year it goes away. Each year it diminishes. I mean… what is the damn point of having hopes and dreams if it’s only to be disappointed, rejected and ignored? If I am so damn fucked up in the head, then why not kill that damn dream and make me want to be single. That should be easy enough!

Anyways… I am just done with the positivity… with the patience… with the working on myself… with trying to fix things, to solve others… It leads to NO good results, to no happy ending/beginning… just to more loneliness and feeling of being unwanted. So please… shut up with your kind words or advice… I cannot take them anymore. I’ve heard them all.

However, thanks for trying.

 

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