So… bear with me. This will NOT make me look as the best Christian ever, but at least it will be bluntly and frankly honest.
We all struggle in life. But at times it’s harder and gets to the point where you see no way out.
If you’ve read my entries, you know that I am the hopeless romantic who has always wanted to find a man to spend her life with… and ALSO who always ended up bumping into the wall of NO.
Well… yes we can all learn and grow from this. Yes, if one doesn’t work, it might mean better is waiting for you. But that can last for so long until you get sick of the failing and heartache.
Personally I am sick of it. I don’t want to have to wait for better. I don’t want to get another no. I don’t see the point. I want it all to stop. In all this, I tried to be better, to become less this or more that since at times I was too needy, clingy or insecure. Letting the brain taking over. I sought out God and asked for His help repeatedly. For His will to be clear. And for His protection from more mistakes.
And I have now reached the point where I want to say… DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU CARE? Looks like you don’t. I ask for protection… I get hurt again. I asked for guidance… looks like what I heard was BS. I asked to have my dream come true, for a miracle… got another heartache. So seriously… is that some damn cruel joke? I put that desire in your heart to get married, just to make sure you NEVER get it and try harder to become better? I know this is all wrong in my head… in my emotions. A lack of sleep is not helping. But again, if things were not as stupid I would sleep.
Anyways… I feel abandoned by the one person on this planet who could do ANYTHING to help me: GOD. I feel like I am alone. Like He is not hearing me and does not care. Like I will never have my dream and I can just stop hoping. BUT I cannot stop hoping, of course! So that is where torture starts… Sure, I can hear many advice, insightful comments… but I am sick of it all. I want to stop hurting, hoping, failing. And I feel helpless and powerless to make it all stop… because if HE doesn’t end it, how could I? So the future does not seem very bright.
The promises of happy endings, the promises of a better time to come, the promise of a family to be part of my future… another plan to torture me? I know God is not a bad mean God. But at this point I feel like He’s forgotten me and will withhold this “reward” from me forever. Why? I don’t know… and of course I am not to know. He is God. I should not question Him. Or His will. But is really His will to see me hurt over and over again and not hear my plea to stop the vicious cycle and to protect me from myself?
I don’t know… I just want this all to end. I want answers. And I want it to WORK OUT for once. And for the final time too… I see no point in managing happiness when it feels so shitty here. I can’t.
So I feel abandoned. Alone. Forsaken. And I shouldn’t… but I am in the darkest pit and even though I try to get out… I am not.