When you’ve been through many failed attempts with men, you tend to think that… it cannot work ever.
However, at times you find the strength to hope again. To hope for a miracle. To think that you need to be more positive and optimistic. To think that this time it is not like last time…
But is it ever exactly the same? No. However… the result is always the same. It’s a big ass failure. It’s another refusal, it’s another man “friendzoning” me.
I don’t know why the hell I happen to think that I gotta be myself… that it can work out… that this miracle can finally happen. Why I think that not following the “rules” of this world, the “advice” of people, the voice of reason would get me somewhere because I’d follow my own heart and instinct. Can I even trust myself? I am far from convinced of this.
So while I cannot trust my own instinct, I cannot either trust others’ advice. So… dilemma… or simply the impossible thing to overcome.
I grow in bitterness… I grow in feeling that this is all a big injustice. That while the guy who fucked me up in a big way can see his loving relationship getting better (one after a few committed ones)… I am left alone and rejected. How fucking fair is that? I am not saying I am an angel, a pure spotless saint, the perfect and ideal woman with no flaws whatsoever… far from it. But for crying out loud… I never treated someone like they were a convenience or a piece of sausage. I never led someone on. I may have disappointed someone who thought they were in love with me… and might have to turn one man down after having given him chances that he blew so badly that I got hurt in the process… but I am not a player, a heartbreaker, a fickle woman…
But why would it matter? It’s not enough to not be bad. Like it’s too much to be giving and generous and loving… I can never be right. I can never do what is right. I cannot follow the rules of society like I cannot follow my own rules. It’s fucking torture… and it’s leading only to more disappointment, more heartbreak and more failing.
I want a damn MIRACLE! That is how I’ve come to see it… a success in love… miracle for me! But why should I even want it? To be more disappointed? Probably.
Yes… this was me venting. This was me screaming on my scream how frustrated I am, how unfair this damn life is at times… and how I try so damn hard, but it’s never enough and it hurts!
I just want him to fall for me too… that’s all. 😦