Last day before the leap

Last day before the leap

So on Friday is my last day at this job I have had since October 2012. My real full-time job… far from my studies or anything that I ever did, but still. I got to learn a lot of things, and I got to assert myself as well. I think I grew during those years, I became more of an adult.

While I am leaving the job to totally change career (still nothing to do with my studies), it is good that I leave it in general. When you do something that is not a passion or something that is not really fitting with your personality, it is fine for a while but it gets draining. And it is now… I am or was good at that job, but I never dug more into it. I never wanted to become excellent, to know it all, to dig deeper, to educate myself. So it is good that I change…

BUT by changing I am leaving behind my routine, my habits, my comfort zone. I am leaving what I’ve known and what has been rather easy. I am going into the unknown, changing all my habits and sacrificing some activities at least for a while. I will make less money for a year. I will be under harsher authority. I will be trained… hard.

I am also leaving customers and colleagues. Not all of them I got to become close… but some I did. And being a relational person I will miss them. And it is hard. I don’t want to abandon anyone. But I also know that some of them will abandon me… in a way. And that means that I will try to maybe make new allies in the new workplace… but also that I will face hostility, jealousy, and stupid people. I will be mostly alone in my own head with strangers… for a while and maybe for a year.

So I am sad to leave. I am sad to put everything behind. I also know that I don’t even yet realize fully all that I am leaving. I am scared about the future. I am scared of failing and of sacrificing things for nothing. I am scared of being alone and lonely. I am scared to be forgotten too. There is positive… of course. But it’s difficult to see. It’s difficult to be confident when facing the unknown. And all this makes me feel like I don’t even want to try. I want to have it all easy.

But who does? Well it happens… but I just wish that for once I would have it all easy. I wish it would just require little efforts and come fully naturally and deeply. I wish all doors would open up miraculously… that I would be favored somehow. Not just at work…

Anyways… changes are good. But scary. Leaving is good, starting a new scary. I guess only time will tell and I will know how it all unfolds.

A new year, a new beginning?

A new year, a new beginning?

It is a new year… yet if we think about it, it doesn’t mean much. Is it really a new beginning? I don’t know… I feel like it’s just a continuity.

You might wonder if anything new happened since last I wrote… well no. At least not to me directly. I am still given the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. I’ve tried to reach out a little… not much. But without success. And today I sent my New Year wishes in a card by mail.

I am sure a few would think I need to quit. That I am making it all worse, or that I am making myself look pathetic… or that I should have moved on. And I was doing better. I never really move on from a person I believed in truly and got to know deeply. It’d be like saying “I changed my mind about you, you don’t matter anymore”. It’d be a lie… but anyways… I was better. Less crying… until something happened to someone close to me.

The possible end of a marriage with a baby girl in the middle… just after a bit more than a year… without real reason but to want to live his life for himself. Real mature!? Men have been that way… and so while it affects me indirectly, it hurt me as well because it made me once again lose faith in relationships and friendships. It reminded me of the fear of getting attached to anyone because then they could leave and break your heart.

My mom was maybe right to say that people will always let you down… or that you cannot trust someone fully. I don’t know… it looks dangerous for one’s heart if it is a caring heart. And so that happened, and the hurt came back. Especially because I wanted my friend back during that time, to help me process so that I could be strong for my loved one. My own shoulder to cry on…

However can I cry on a shoulder that needs itself one to cry on? I don’t know… but yeah… all this to say this situation has not changed. The gift I got him is in my pantry. And it might never get out of there.

I am also facing the professional change that will happen soon. Starting now, I have to slowly train and give away what I have been doing for a couple years now. It’s not that easy… to let go. Because it also means starting something new and a bit scary. I don’t do well with changes and the unknown. I adapt rapidly, but the before part… it is tough. I will have to change my routine, give up my independence for a while to live with others, obey orders, not see my friends and family as much as before… I am scared of ending up totally alone without any support. Well no… I will have my family. But I often don’t want to worry them and if things are bad  for them, I will even more keep it all inside. So yes… the change scares me. A lot. And I don’t think a lot of people get it either… because yes it’s a great opportunity and might be awesome. But I am not chill… I am not relaxed about it… and I am not in the best head space lately either.

However, I try to remain positive. I try to hope again. I try to reason and see things as turning out well now. I try to think that a change in the number of a year might mean a real good change in life. One can hope… or dream… or be disillusioned. I guess I will know in 362 days.

The emptiness I hate 

The emptiness I hate 

Have you ever felt an emptiness in your heart because of someone’s absence?  I don’t mean someone who is just in another country or such…. but someone who’s not in your life anymore. 

The worst case scenario would be the death of someone. And that can sadly never be changed. And then it is not always their choice to be gone forever. 

But in other cases the person chose to walk away. They might not even be far geographically but their heart is. And damn they are leaving an emptiness in your heart… an ache that you want to see end. All you wish for is for their return.

I even feel like throwing a fit at God like a child would… to beg Him to bring him back. It hurts so much that it becomes like a fear or a panicky feeling. If you let yourself be overwhelmed by emotions…. then you simply lose it. It becomes irrational.  

Right now I almost wish I could throw a fit… but then I know it would not do anything. Like begging him to give our friendship another chance would not do anything. 

And so I am left with that emptiness in me… that breaks my heart. I told him that I can live fine without him in my life… but life would be so much better with him in it. And right now my life has lost its a Norwegian spice… because it’s lost him. 

And nothing can seem to fill that emptiness. I wish I was a good enough Christian that God would be given that place. But I don’t seem to be  able to do that even when I try. 

I hate that emptiness. I hate that ache in my heart. I hate his absence and his silence. I hate this hopelessness and helplessness. I hate that I cannot seem to see a happy ending. I hate that I am not able to believe in happier days. I hate the fact that I believe life will not give me a break anytime soon and I am completely drained after so much efforts. 

I miss him so much it hurts. 

Fighting at a distance for a friendship

Fighting at a distance for a friendship

When someone chooses to take some distance from you… you can either let go or try to fight for that relationship. My personal desire is to fix things when they seem a little broken. Of course, not with everyone… some people don’t belong to our lives.

Anyways… when someone tells you that maybe time can heal the broken relationship without certainty… what do you do?

Do you leave them alone and let that “time” maybe heal the broken parts? Or do you try to help the “time” do the work? Do you let it all go or do you keep the hope alive for the friendship to be mended?

If that friendship matters so much, it will be hard to let go and walk away. Even if people will tell you to do that… Let’s be real. A parent will rarely walk away from a child with whom they’ve had issues. It can happen, but it’s probably not what happens usually. The difference is… the blood and the family ties.

But don’t you think that someone could count for you as much as a family member? Probably so… otherwise would we marry? Fall in love? And so… for those people it’s easier to walk away… but does that mean we should do it? Nope…

Personally I have chosen to give space to that person. He obviously needs it if he decided at some point that I was too present. BUT does that mean I NEVER reach out, never show that I am present? That I totally let go and vanish? Can that really help the situation?

Certainly some people come back in your lives later one… after you’ve lost sight of them. But let’s be real… it more often than not does not happen like that. So the choice is to walk on the thin line of: 1) giving that person space but 2) showing that you still care and remember them.

Sure I’d like to be able to fix what was broken on his side. I apologized for my mistakes, I have expressed most of my emotions. I also cannot take all the blame for what happened. But I cannot just fix it all. It takes 2 to be in a good relationship. And alone I cannot make it happen. That is when I have to allow time to heal. Allow God to move also. But while doing so I won’t just… abandon him. To me it would not make any sense. I am willing to work on things. I have to show it. Like I have to show that I understood my mistakes and do not want to repeat them.

I was too present… I have to give him space. I was pressuring him… I have to not ask questions. I want our friendship above it all… I have to act as a friend, not as a woman who wants more. It is not easy…

But also… what matters during that time is to work on myself. On those bad patterns that I repeat over and over again. So that I can find inner peace and self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem without needing the approval of others.

I would LOVE to have the remedy to fix this… I miss him. I miss my friend so much. Our contact… hearing from him about his life… sharing parts of it. It was a valuable friendship that I cannot see belonging to just a short period of my life. And so a quick fix would be awesome. But it is not happening that way. Maybe while I have to learn, he does too… so we will see.

Hard to hope, to believe, to have the faith… but I cannot let go what is so valuable.

A step… now waiting

A step… now waiting

You might have read my previous post… and so, here is the step I decided to take afterwards.I prepared an email that I had a couple people read so that it would not be too much. Too emotional or accusing or whatever else that would make a friend (especially a man friend) run away…

And I sent it yesterday.

Now another process has started for me. A different kind of waiting. I wrote this email to apologize for something I have been doing for years, not on purpose, but that was too much for anyone… myself first! And it’s time to recognize it and not make it not so important if the person knows me. It was also me trying to reach out to my friend after 3 weeks of silence (well more…).

Did he write back? did he call? did he text? Nope… did he read the email? I believe he might have. How do I know? Because he’s finally read the texts I had sent to him on whatsapp. Is that a positive thing? Maybe… maybe not. It’s a step but no idea in which direction.

So what is there to do? Start again the bad cycle of going crazy, freaking out, etc? No… I cannot do that to myself. And I cannot harass him with with messages. I have to give him time.

Time for what? Well in best case scenarios… to get back in touch, talk and move on as friends again. Other scenarios are yet possible… such as… get in touch but call it quits. Or the worst case scenario… not get in touch at all.

It’s hard not knowing where it is going… if anywhere. Would that be my last attempt? I don’t think so, knowing how I am. But I cannot follow it up with another one right away. I just have to try and let it go… let God. It’s scary. But all I did was being honest, caring… and opening the door. So we will see…

One can hope for the best. One can prepare for the worst. In the end, we never know cause it involves another mind/heart.

So to be continued…

I am not giving up!

I am not giving up!

At the end of last week I came to face something I had already faced years ago… this world is filled with self-centered people who cannot fully give in any sort of relationships. They are so detached that everything seems real but is very much superficial.

We are in a world where people move on if things do not go their way. They give up… on people, on situations without even trying. Why? Because they cannot handle the hurt… they are afraid. They leave in fear even if they would never admit to it.

And yes… it is spreading. If you care too much for someone, it will look like you’re too needy. If you mourn a relationship or a friendship, then you were too attached and caring and something is wrong with you. If you fight for someone, you will look clingy and pathetic. Ask most people around you… and they will tell you that.

I have been told that. And you know what? It made me think. Well in that case, if you think that way… it means I cannot trust you. I cannot count on you. I know that you don’t fully care because you don’t want to or cannot. I know that if I were to leave or disappear, you would not feel much if anything… And it hurt. It sure did.

What was my first reaction? I want to hide. I want to isolate myself. Because I care deeply, I hurt intensely, I fight for people… and rejection is thus even harder. And who loves to hurt? Who loves to have their heart chipped at? Broken piece by piece? Certainly not me… because it leaves traces. So I wanted to stay away from people. It might not be so bad and we should do that with some people… but it was not right either.

It is fucking scary to put myself out there. It is fucking scary to fight for someone who seems to have left me behind because I believe in what we had. It is scary to imagine the pain I will maybe feel again if he keeps turning away from me. And it is scary to even try to have friends in a world where people are detached emotionally… where sex is a sport… where a breakup is like changing phones…

I haven’t gotten back to the point where I will have enough courage to fight with actions. I will admit it… I am still too scared. But I am getting to the point where I refuse to follow the grain of this world. I refuse to live a life where I am just detached, cautiously getting close to people but always keeping some distance. I refuse to care LESS because it could hurt more. I refuse to let go of people easily because it’s safer for my heart. I don’t even know if I truly could.

And so soon I will fight for this friendship. I will try to get it back… maybe in a better shape than ever because of this obstacle. I will do my best to show him that I care… that it is not fickle, that it is not self-centered. That I am not here to leave and let him go. And maybe he will reject me again. Maybe he will just not respond at all… and I will hurt and bleed inside. But I don’t give up on people.

And yes… people will think I am crazy. That I got no self-respect or self-esteem to chase after someone. That I should not care… But if someone was to do that for me… I would feel loved and special. Of course if done in a healthy way… Imagine you’ve hurt someone that you were close to, for any reason… but you care for them. And you don’t know how to deal with it all… or what to say. And they come back because no matter how much you’ve hurt them, they still care and forgive. I have seen people walk away because they had gotten hurt by something I said. And I felt TERRIBLE. I tried apologizing, but nothing would do. And I would have been glad to see them come to me after all this, still desiring a friendship. Because it meant something… in a world where nothing means anything.

So I will fight. I will care. Maybe more cautiously… I will take time to heal, to build up courage. But I will not let the world tell me I am a failure and a mistake. Something weird that does it all wrong. Why? Because it’s out of love. Because I know deep in my heart that what I feel is unconditional love… that it’s genuine. If it wasn’t… then they could walk away from me. But it is not the case… and I refuse to let them go without a fight. Not by crawling back and accepting anything… but by saying… I got hurt real bad… but I still want you in my life. It makes no sense… but in my world, if God was to walk away every time I turned my back to Him by not talking to Him, or getting mad at Him or when I was hurting Him by my behavior… then there would be no hope. That would NOT be true love.

AND I WANT TO SEE MORE TRUE LOVE IN THIS WORLD…. even if it means being one in a million and looking like a fool.

8 days

8 days

8 days… I have been crying 8 days in a row. Certainly not continuously… but I have been crying. And I feel like I have been frowning for 8 days as well… smiling is not coming easily unless my mind is occupied.

8 days (more actually) of forced silence. Of being silenced by someone who does not want to hear from me. Who refuses to talk to me. 8 days with questions in my head, with fear eating at me.

8 days of trying to survive each day without more tears, trying to find things to be grateful for and to not sound like a pathetic clingy chick. I have been wondering if he is doing ok or not. Is he happier without me?

8 days of not daring to ask his friends how he is… what is new if anything. 8 days of being afraid of the answer to that question. I don’t want to know that he got sick of me, or that he is back with his ex or found another chick.

8 days of wanting to find encouragements and opinions. And each time feeling ashamed and hurt because it feels like it’s due to me. And maybe it is but maybe it is not. I guess people are not helping me… and I turn to them because I wish they would. But how could they?

8 days of being so sad… that the rest does not get to me. But after 8 days I am sick of me going at me… making it sound like I am just stupid, pathetic and wrong. I try to fix things… with everyone. I try to help… but in the end, it always works against me.

8 days of wondering at times what the hell I am doing here. When all the good intentions in the world do not lead anywhere. What if even the doors that seem to open… are just a nice thing that will suddenly close in your face to make you feel even more useless. Maybe an open door is just another opportunity to get rejected and to fail even more!

8 days of being down, negative… pessimistic. 8 days of being sad, teary… tired. 8 days of feeling like a failure, ashamed… broken. 8 days of losing hope, faith… joy.

And the worst part is… I don’t know that anything or anyone can end it. Because all I have is silence, doubt, questions and fear.

Can I sleep for a while? Can I wake up and see everything fixed? Probably not…