Alone before, during, after

Alone before, during, after

So… I just had a small surgery. Nothing huge, nothing that required me to stay more than a day in the hospital. But it is my first surgery and it sucks because I have to rest for a bit less than a year.

The hard part is that it takes time to heal… and I am not patient. It takes me away from my workout buddies… it makes me scared to gain weight, to lose my strength or cardio (which is already poor). I also go through this alone. It is a choice, but even those who know don’t seem to care much.

I chose not to mention it to my parents. They are away on vacation, it’s best they don’t worry for nothing. But that meant that, even though I tried to find someone, I had to go alone to the hospital taking train and bus. And then I came back home alone too with the bus. So before that… I had to prepare on my own mentally. Thanks to the people at the hospital who were really kind and caring. Then during, well no one could have been there really… maybe just with me at the hospital but it’s not the first time I spend almost a day there alone. Then after… well no one really asked how I was. I know I was to tell some people… but no one asked. And no one is checking on me afterwards…

So it makes me wonder if this world is really… kind. I mean, are there people who care for others and will be there when needed? It seems so… but then, not for me? I don’t know. I am sure I sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party… maybe it is so. But damn it I am tired of being alone. I have to take care of myself… I have to talk to myself. I have to deal with things alone.

I try to reach out… but probably to the wrong people. I get put in my place by being ignored, or with words that are not so nice. And I find myself having to fight yet again against depression, against feeling worthless, against this lack of self-confidence that I so need at work right now where all is new and everything has to be proven. And I don’t know why I keep on pushing, keep on pursuing some people/friends… because I don’t want to be alone.

If I were to not say anything… most would not notice (my family maybe). If I were to get hurt, I am not sure many would be touched by it. And it’s not like I do nothing for others, that I haven’t been there for them. I don’t know… is this world selfish? Or is this world just not wanting to give to me? And this world means people. I know… this writing is a bit pathetic. I sound like a poor girl, victim of all the wickedness of this world.

I am not… I am aware that my life is not bad. Just not easy… but not bad. I got many things to be happy about. I just… feel alone. And in the surgery… it was stronger than usual. But I can make it fine. We all can. Cause life is not so bad at all… at least for me it’s not. I can see some positives… just the void in my heart makes it all a bit harder.

But I am not the only one like that… so… shut up and keep going! Thanks for listening to my venting… again!

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When you never get it!

When you never get it!

Well, this is official. I don’t get men… I SURE don’t see when they do or don’t like me. Well in my case… they never have. Let me explain…

This past week has been a great example of how pathetic and inadequate I can be!

A few years back I fell for a guy. Let’s just say that I didn’t really help my case at the very beginning as I acted a bit paranoid once… out of fear to be rejected. Anyways… he still talked to me after that… but then we became more like fuck buddies. Well… for him. For me it was more and I was hoping (stupidly) for an evolution in the right direction. I thought that he did like me at least a little bit and was not against the idea. I even once heard it from another person. But yeah… I heard it and then 2 weeks later he was dating a girl and letting me go. Anyways… last week I decided to ask if at some point he had considered something with me… his answer: NEVER! Why? Cause he never had that little thing we all need to pursue someone. Not his fault. And I should have been prepared… but I was not. And it did hurt.

Then I mentioned a guy joking at first and then really offering to come into my room at the dorm I used to stay in until last week. Well… it happened twice and I felt that maybe it was not a joke anymore. Even others thought so… they told me! And teased us! So… after considering it and the situation I am in… I decided to suggest we’d hang out. And wait for it… he said ok but only if I didn’t have any hopes for more. So I did get to ask about those offers he made… and he said it was all jokes and he thought I knew. He felt really bad as he’s been chasing another girl for a long time. Me? I felt stupid once again…

So yeah…. I think I absolutely don’t get men. I think I know when they don’t care. But when I think maybe they do care… well it also means they don’t! I think I should start from this point of view from now on… no man ever cares for me in a “I am truly interested in you and want to get to know you”. Cause they don’t.

And it’s so nice because now I am falling back into this damn depression with all the changes in my life. Between being back in my own home without all those friends around. Being back to my loneliness. Entering a new career with new people and everything to prove. The frustration of it too. And this ongoing singlehood and failure. It’s just a bit much… maybe why each night I get some damn nightmares of me fighting against monsters and bad guys alone.

It hurts… yet I cannot do anything about it. Vent on here I guess… but yeah, never take advice from me on whether a guy likes you or not… Cause unless it’s SUPER Obvious, I won’t know!

Love life… or what is up

Love life… or what is up

So… I decided to start with that aspect of my life. I don’t think I can call it my love life… but it’ll do. So… what are my thoughts on this as of late?

Well over the past year I’ve realized a few things about men. Well men in this society… and I don’t want to make this a generality. But those situations are what I got to encounter.

1) the man who does not say straight that he is engaged

2) the man who thinks you’re up for a night of sex because you are ok talking and joking about the topic

3) the man who does not want to commit or be a boyfriend but is oh so affectionate when you’re with him in private

4) the man who sees you as a girl he really wants to have in his bed once, no matter his status

5) the younger guy who thinks it’d be great to have sex with a 35 years old

6) the first love who put you through a lot but whom you forgave, who thinks maybe in 2 years if you’re both single, you could get married

7) the man who you would not say no to if he was to leave his girlfriend and wanted to be with you

Yup… those are all situations I’ve encountered. Don’t get me wrong, they never were assholes to me. Maybe some have been a bit harsh or rude, or crude I should say… but ntohing mean. However, let’s admit this… they haven’t made me feel special or wanted in all that I am. Far from it… Either I am a convenient hobby when there is a hole in the schedule, no matter the affection. Or I am just a fun fuck to be had. Or a good backup plan. But I don’t want to be any of that. Now, I sure don’t want them all to ask me out. That would not be nice as I’d have to tell them no. Most are cute etc, but they are not provoking the little flame in me. So yeah, best they don’t. However, it makes me feel not worth the effort of love and of going out.

The good thing is that I can try and feel flattered. And I kinda do. But I am 35. I want more in life than to be a good fuck. I want to be wanted and loved for all that I am. I want the real kind of love. And the trust, the faithfulness that go with it. The long lasting kind… of devotion and commitment, especially in the harder times. However it is not what is going on. And it frustrates me. Because as the years pass by, I see that my wishes are dying out.

Also… I realize my mistakes. Men are mostly unable to talk about sex without reading it wrong. And so I should just stop being so open on the topic. It gives them a wrong idea. An open door they just dare taking but that is not really open. And then I have to say no.

As for the man I would take back if he came back… I am not sure what to do with that. At least it’s not really happening so… but I was not over him like I thought I was. And it’s dumb!

Anyways… many questions… but it seems society creates men who don’t know how to commit, who are scared because they’ve been treated like crap… who want to just use sex as a product and give nothing for it. It’s a sad society… for a person like me, it’s worse lol!

 

What part of the last year to write about?

What part of the last year to write about?

Well… after pretty much a year of silence. I am back! It’s not that I didn’t have anything I wanted to talk about…. I sure did. A lot has happened.

First a year in an academy… learning a new job (hopefully passed my exams)… living with people almost 5 days per week. Getting close to a guy, finding out he’s engaged… still hanging out… but then to see him turn his back on me to get close to yet another girl. I guess it saved me a heartbreak but it did not spare me a meltdown. One week off… then back on my feet. Doing crazy things all year long, especially physically… and toward the end of last year, meeting a bunch of new people that got me enjoying the last months at the academy. And of course, getting close to yet another guy. BUT again having this not turning into anything cause he’s YET another weirdo. So yeah… that is my year in a nutshell. Things never seem to be different in some areas.

So what should I talk about… what part should I develop on? It can be positive, optimistic… it can be cynical and bitter… it can be sad and depressed… it can be real… I’d like to ask you what you’d like to read… But it’s not like I got many readers…

All I can say right now is that I’ve missed this… writing. I feared it would be discovered and read. And there is a lot of intimate stuff on here. But now… do I really care? No… cause no one close to me will ever know about this website.

I am just in a moment where I’ve realized 2 things about men:

  1. If you talk or joke with men about sex, many will think it means you’re totally in to just fuck them. WRONG
  2. If a man says he wants nothing serious and acts as if you’re not anyone special in public, chances are that he won’t change his mind so you should learn to just… step back. WORK IN PROGRESS

Yeah indeed… if you remember what I wrote. You’ll think… AGAIN!!! I am sorry to say… yes. SUCKS! But I guess I am learning…

So… anyways… is there any of the topics mentioned about my week… that would interest you?

 

Last day before the leap

Last day before the leap

So on Friday is my last day at this job I have had since October 2012. My real full-time job… far from my studies or anything that I ever did, but still. I got to learn a lot of things, and I got to assert myself as well. I think I grew during those years, I became more of an adult.

While I am leaving the job to totally change career (still nothing to do with my studies), it is good that I leave it in general. When you do something that is not a passion or something that is not really fitting with your personality, it is fine for a while but it gets draining. And it is now… I am or was good at that job, but I never dug more into it. I never wanted to become excellent, to know it all, to dig deeper, to educate myself. So it is good that I change…

BUT by changing I am leaving behind my routine, my habits, my comfort zone. I am leaving what I’ve known and what has been rather easy. I am going into the unknown, changing all my habits and sacrificing some activities at least for a while. I will make less money for a year. I will be under harsher authority. I will be trained… hard.

I am also leaving customers and colleagues. Not all of them I got to become close… but some I did. And being a relational person I will miss them. And it is hard. I don’t want to abandon anyone. But I also know that some of them will abandon me… in a way. And that means that I will try to maybe make new allies in the new workplace… but also that I will face hostility, jealousy, and stupid people. I will be mostly alone in my own head with strangers… for a while and maybe for a year.

So I am sad to leave. I am sad to put everything behind. I also know that I don’t even yet realize fully all that I am leaving. I am scared about the future. I am scared of failing and of sacrificing things for nothing. I am scared of being alone and lonely. I am scared to be forgotten too. There is positive… of course. But it’s difficult to see. It’s difficult to be confident when facing the unknown. And all this makes me feel like I don’t even want to try. I want to have it all easy.

But who does? Well it happens… but I just wish that for once I would have it all easy. I wish it would just require little efforts and come fully naturally and deeply. I wish all doors would open up miraculously… that I would be favored somehow. Not just at work…

Anyways… changes are good. But scary. Leaving is good, starting a new scary. I guess only time will tell and I will know how it all unfolds.

A new year, a new beginning?

A new year, a new beginning?

It is a new year… yet if we think about it, it doesn’t mean much. Is it really a new beginning? I don’t know… I feel like it’s just a continuity.

You might wonder if anything new happened since last I wrote… well no. At least not to me directly. I am still given the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. I’ve tried to reach out a little… not much. But without success. And today I sent my New Year wishes in a card by mail.

I am sure a few would think I need to quit. That I am making it all worse, or that I am making myself look pathetic… or that I should have moved on. And I was doing better. I never really move on from a person I believed in truly and got to know deeply. It’d be like saying “I changed my mind about you, you don’t matter anymore”. It’d be a lie… but anyways… I was better. Less crying… until something happened to someone close to me.

The possible end of a marriage with a baby girl in the middle… just after a bit more than a year… without real reason but to want to live his life for himself. Real mature!? Men have been that way… and so while it affects me indirectly, it hurt me as well because it made me once again lose faith in relationships and friendships. It reminded me of the fear of getting attached to anyone because then they could leave and break your heart.

My mom was maybe right to say that people will always let you down… or that you cannot trust someone fully. I don’t know… it looks dangerous for one’s heart if it is a caring heart. And so that happened, and the hurt came back. Especially because I wanted my friend back during that time, to help me process so that I could be strong for my loved one. My own shoulder to cry on…

However can I cry on a shoulder that needs itself one to cry on? I don’t know… but yeah… all this to say this situation has not changed. The gift I got him is in my pantry. And it might never get out of there.

I am also facing the professional change that will happen soon. Starting now, I have to slowly train and give away what I have been doing for a couple years now. It’s not that easy… to let go. Because it also means starting something new and a bit scary. I don’t do well with changes and the unknown. I adapt rapidly, but the before part… it is tough. I will have to change my routine, give up my independence for a while to live with others, obey orders, not see my friends and family as much as before… I am scared of ending up totally alone without any support. Well no… I will have my family. But I often don’t want to worry them and if things are bad  for them, I will even more keep it all inside. So yes… the change scares me. A lot. And I don’t think a lot of people get it either… because yes it’s a great opportunity and might be awesome. But I am not chill… I am not relaxed about it… and I am not in the best head space lately either.

However, I try to remain positive. I try to hope again. I try to reason and see things as turning out well now. I try to think that a change in the number of a year might mean a real good change in life. One can hope… or dream… or be disillusioned. I guess I will know in 362 days.

The emptiness I hate 

The emptiness I hate 

Have you ever felt an emptiness in your heart because of someone’s absence?  I don’t mean someone who is just in another country or such…. but someone who’s not in your life anymore. 

The worst case scenario would be the death of someone. And that can sadly never be changed. And then it is not always their choice to be gone forever. 

But in other cases the person chose to walk away. They might not even be far geographically but their heart is. And damn they are leaving an emptiness in your heart… an ache that you want to see end. All you wish for is for their return.

I even feel like throwing a fit at God like a child would… to beg Him to bring him back. It hurts so much that it becomes like a fear or a panicky feeling. If you let yourself be overwhelmed by emotions…. then you simply lose it. It becomes irrational.  

Right now I almost wish I could throw a fit… but then I know it would not do anything. Like begging him to give our friendship another chance would not do anything. 

And so I am left with that emptiness in me… that breaks my heart. I told him that I can live fine without him in my life… but life would be so much better with him in it. And right now my life has lost its a Norwegian spice… because it’s lost him. 

And nothing can seem to fill that emptiness. I wish I was a good enough Christian that God would be given that place. But I don’t seem to be  able to do that even when I try. 

I hate that emptiness. I hate that ache in my heart. I hate his absence and his silence. I hate this hopelessness and helplessness. I hate that I cannot seem to see a happy ending. I hate that I am not able to believe in happier days. I hate the fact that I believe life will not give me a break anytime soon and I am completely drained after so much efforts. 

I miss him so much it hurts.