At the end of last week I came to face something I had already faced years ago… this world is filled with self-centered people who cannot fully give in any sort of relationships. They are so detached that everything seems real but is very much superficial.
We are in a world where people move on if things do not go their way. They give up… on people, on situations without even trying. Why? Because they cannot handle the hurt… they are afraid. They leave in fear even if they would never admit to it.
And yes… it is spreading. If you care too much for someone, it will look like you’re too needy. If you mourn a relationship or a friendship, then you were too attached and caring and something is wrong with you. If you fight for someone, you will look clingy and pathetic. Ask most people around you… and they will tell you that.
I have been told that. And you know what? It made me think. Well in that case, if you think that way… it means I cannot trust you. I cannot count on you. I know that you don’t fully care because you don’t want to or cannot. I know that if I were to leave or disappear, you would not feel much if anything… And it hurt. It sure did.
What was my first reaction? I want to hide. I want to isolate myself. Because I care deeply, I hurt intensely, I fight for people… and rejection is thus even harder. And who loves to hurt? Who loves to have their heart chipped at? Broken piece by piece? Certainly not me… because it leaves traces. So I wanted to stay away from people. It might not be so bad and we should do that with some people… but it was not right either.
It is fucking scary to put myself out there. It is fucking scary to fight for someone who seems to have left me behind because I believe in what we had. It is scary to imagine the pain I will maybe feel again if he keeps turning away from me. And it is scary to even try to have friends in a world where people are detached emotionally… where sex is a sport… where a breakup is like changing phones…
I haven’t gotten back to the point where I will have enough courage to fight with actions. I will admit it… I am still too scared. But I am getting to the point where I refuse to follow the grain of this world. I refuse to live a life where I am just detached, cautiously getting close to people but always keeping some distance. I refuse to care LESS because it could hurt more. I refuse to let go of people easily because it’s safer for my heart. I don’t even know if I truly could.
And so soon I will fight for this friendship. I will try to get it back… maybe in a better shape than ever because of this obstacle. I will do my best to show him that I care… that it is not fickle, that it is not self-centered. That I am not here to leave and let him go. And maybe he will reject me again. Maybe he will just not respond at all… and I will hurt and bleed inside. But I don’t give up on people.
And yes… people will think I am crazy. That I got no self-respect or self-esteem to chase after someone. That I should not care… But if someone was to do that for me… I would feel loved and special. Of course if done in a healthy way… Imagine you’ve hurt someone that you were close to, for any reason… but you care for them. And you don’t know how to deal with it all… or what to say. And they come back because no matter how much you’ve hurt them, they still care and forgive. I have seen people walk away because they had gotten hurt by something I said. And I felt TERRIBLE. I tried apologizing, but nothing would do. And I would have been glad to see them come to me after all this, still desiring a friendship. Because it meant something… in a world where nothing means anything.
So I will fight. I will care. Maybe more cautiously… I will take time to heal, to build up courage. But I will not let the world tell me I am a failure and a mistake. Something weird that does it all wrong. Why? Because it’s out of love. Because I know deep in my heart that what I feel is unconditional love… that it’s genuine. If it wasn’t… then they could walk away from me. But it is not the case… and I refuse to let them go without a fight. Not by crawling back and accepting anything… but by saying… I got hurt real bad… but I still want you in my life. It makes no sense… but in my world, if God was to walk away every time I turned my back to Him by not talking to Him, or getting mad at Him or when I was hurting Him by my behavior… then there would be no hope. That would NOT be true love.
AND I WANT TO SEE MORE TRUE LOVE IN THIS WORLD…. even if it means being one in a million and looking like a fool.