Giving space to someone is not the easiest thing to achieve. At least for me… because it is like giving them space to leave and forget me.

I am not sure exactly what led to this… but I grew up with the fear of people getting to know me and leaving me afterwards. For me it is very important to feel secure within a relationship of any sort. With my family there is no problem. I believe that they will never leave me. They might not fully know me, but I trust them to stay and accept me no matter what. After all, blood is thicker than water.

I know people who have had friends for years… some kept MANY of those childhood friends or school friends close. I haven’t. I never really bonded with anyone growing up. Some… yes. But not strongly. Thus why I don’t even have my university friends. We never kept in touch once I started drifting. The strange thing, looking back, I don’t exactly know what made me drift off… but I started disconnecting. Mentally then physically.

There are some friends that have been there for a long time. But I can really see ONE friend that I can consider very close (not geographically) and this has been the case for over 10 years now. So not that old… I know it’s a strong friendship because she’s seen me at my worse time. And we’ve stayed close even through those life events that can often make people drift: her wedding, her four children while I am single. She disagreed with me on some stuff… but stuck with me. That is what I call true friendship.

So yes… I obviously have a fear of people. I get attached, but I don’t. I am myself, but not entirely. And while it was easier when I was young, now it’s harder to not get attached. Well, maybe it is with friends as I’ve learned to see that friends can come and go. But I also know that I long for that ONE connection with a man that will last and make me feel secure, loved and wanted. And that is probably where I get the most scared.

This person would become family, but would not be blood. So it’s a mix between friends and family… and it makes it scary. So I do want it bad… but it scares me to death when I care for a man in that sense. So maybe that is also why with some I have sabotaged it… because of that fear taking over me.

So yes… right now I am doing what I have never really fully done. I am giving him space to heal, to get better… In the past I only did give time to man once he told me off or was with someone else. So it’s not really like I had a choice in walking away. But this time, I have to. And it scares me.

When he left on his trip, I wished him well in a note… that his time away (not long) would help him and make him come back way better… starting a new chapter. And saying that I hoped to be part of it. But it’s not up to me. I am there… available to him. But he’s gotta have this time. And it’s either… he wants me in it or he doesn’t. And it’s his choice… and it is scary.

With him… I tried to be more open, to trust him more, to reveal more of who I am and of my thoughts… I tried to be me. I felt secure… now I feel less secure in this friendship. And my feelings make it worse. But it’s not all about me. It is hard to be hopeful for this to turn into something else… hard to be positive… but the future is… the future. What matters is the now. And the now is: friendship, him healing, me working on my issues.

So we will see what happens… but for now, space to you!


One thought on “Giving space is scary

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