End of therapy

So… I am pretty happy to know that my therapist agrees with me, without me saying a word, that we are done. Of course, one is never fully done dealing with their issues and fears. But I have done quite a bit of work. I am nicer with myself. And I am stronger. And it all worked out slowly, without even me noticing it. I know that I still will have to work things out. I will have to watch myself, so I don’t get too scared or freaked out by others and the feelings I think they might have toward me. I don’t mean love, but mostly stuff such as “do they like me or not”, “is he or she mad at me”, etc.

Now, my back is also still fairly good. I am doing some private coaching too in my crossfit gym. And it’s pretty awesome. I learn to eat a bit differently, and I am not gaining weight. This was a major fear for me, when adding more calories to my days. But I am good. So I guess I was undereating before. That is a good lesson for all of you. Sometimes we think, eating less means losing weight or not gaining any. Well, this shows that it is wrong. I am eating a bit more and not gaining any weight. Even losing a bit. Now we’ll see if I manage to hit my goals. Also, I cannot just keep having a coach forever cause it sure costs quite a bit of money! And one gotta be wise and cautious.

As for the love… well nothing to report. I think that this was part of my therapy as well. How to say no, how to remain strong when people insist. How to decline any… unwanted interests, even when I feel alone and like it is not possible to find real sincere love. Because it sure seems impossible to me. Like I cannot believe it is possible. But I refuse to settle for less, to settle with sex when I want more. So… I am true to myself. I remain strong. I don’t give in. I don’t sell myself short. I stand up for what I want and what I know I am worth. It might never come, or it could… who knows. But I will feel peaceful until the end and happy within, knowing that I am not living something that I feel is not designed for my heart.

I can only encourage you to do it also! Work on yourself. Physically and mentally, emotionnally and spiritually. Just know your worth. Know how strong you are and what you deserve. Go after your goals and always know you can improve your inner self!

Fight and faith!

Keep on believing and fighting! I can only encourage you. Some things may improve, but not be perfect. While other things can happen after some faith and some work, which lead to success.

Let me explain. My back… the ongoing and unresolved issue of 2021. There are ups and downs still, it feels as well that it radiates at times to other parts of my body that become more tensed and thus a bit painful. I have done lots, between physical therapy, osteopath, and so on. I will try one more thing early January, which is to see a posturologist. It will analyze my posture, from head to tow. And he will see if he can help, what would not be working, what can be done by eventually someone else. So I am curious to see what he will come up with. I have no idea. I hope it won’t be too scary, and things that I cannot change or improve. I mean, after almost 40 years of having the same posture… not sure how much is reversible. But we will see and I’ll post about it, since it could interest some of you.

I still got an appointment with my doctor, to see how it evolves. With new pains and so on… I will see. But it’s a slow progress… and one you cannot just give up on. Because we have to keep working out, keep getting stronger where it is needed, so that we can live a life with less pain. A life where we are healthy and feeling good. So I will not give up. Even when I wonder if I have more issues now, even if I am scared of what will come next year physically speaking. It seems each year I experience a health issue. So let’s hope I am done for a while!

Now, on a postive note, there are a couple things that have happened that I was hoping and wishing for. Number one, leading a small group of single ladies in their thirties or so… with my church. And I have. I just hope it was good for them, and encouraging. We got one more meeting, and then we’ll be done. But it was nice and encouraging to me! I just hope for them too, and that God was put first in all that. Because without Him, we can just decide to go for cheaper than what we want and deserve… or we can just become desperate that it will never happen and go into negativity and depression.

Another postive thing is that I got accepted for a job position that I was dreaming of. And I am SO glad. I had to pass some exams, and I felt really not positive about it. But it worked out! And it makes me feel happy to realize that in the end, I know my heart, I know who I am… and it was recognized by others. So I am not sure yet when I’ll be starting, but for sure in 2022. So we will see… but it can happen!! Just all in God’s timing, and with the work put in to get to that place! Believe in yourself and your abilities, in what your heart calls you to do. Trust in God and trust in yourself.

Now yes, the last big dream remains to get over my single life. And let’s say… it’s hard for me to THINK about it, because it’s hard to be optimistic. When you are close to 40… With standards that are out of this world, but from God… but surrounded by a society that consumes and uses and just wants to have fun… it’s complicated. Lots of broken people who don’t see that they are broken and leading shallow lives… I know what I want. I want real, unconditional, out of this world, reaching for higher grounds, inspirational, fun, slow paced, pure love. And yeah… it’s far from what I can see around me. So… in that, my fight is to keep the faith, to trust in God, to give it all to Him, so that I don’t become desperate and dwell on what I see. Cause what I see… it is not God’s reality. So let’s focus on what I cannot see… because it’s where He is moving!

I hope you are surviving this end of year. A lot is going on in the world, especially with this covid stuff. It’s becoming annoying, tiring, irritating… how a vaccine can divide people, families, friends, colleagues. I truly hate it. I hate that people are acting out of fear, from both sides. That others are manipulating to get their ways, whatever those are… I trust no media, I trust no government when it comes to this. So I choose to not think, read and dwell on this topic. I choose to focus on my life, what I can do with it for others, how I can improve as a person… and most of the time it works out.

I hope you are all going to have an awesome Christmas and new Year! Keep on fighting and on believing!

A warrior for a passionate heart

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/08/you-dont-need-a-man-you-need-a-goddamn-warrior/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/to-the-man-who-said-i-was-too-much-to-love/

Those two articles have been quite encouraging. And I believe that they also work together. Let me try to explain what I appreciated in them…

I am a passionate woman, I love with all my heart. I might even care for someone with all my heart! And I know that it can seem very intense. Intense in the feeling part, in the giving part, in the talking part… I show my feelings, I express them, I act on them. And I don’t need to wait months before I do so or open up.

I believe that to most men this is scary. They go off thinking I am after their last name. But how could one know so soon? I sure can’t. So they just feel pressured, rushed, and they walk away. They all have.

However, as in the second article, I refuse to say that I am wrong for loving a lot or very much or intensely or passionately. It is how I am. It is who I am. And it comes out of a good sentiment, so why would that be wrong? Sure I can learn to tame myself a little… but I love if I love. End of story. As it is stated, that means the man will have to see it as me being courageous. And he will have to be as well in a way.

This leads to the first article. A warrior… I need a warrior. A warrior who is not scared by my intensity, who is not scared when I give my all. A warrior who sees that it is not a strategy to get him to the altar within a couple months… A warrior who will walk along with another warrior. Who sees that I might go against what most people do by loving so much, and who will have my back as I do so. A warrior that will not run away. A courageous man who will stand by my side. Who will let me be a free loving spirit while he is a free spirit himself in whatever he does.

So yes… I love “too much”, I give “too much”… I am “too much”. But it only means that a man would need to be stronger… a warrior.

And this is valid for all women out there like me! It’s never too much in my eyes! And if he can’t handle it… then he is no warrior! And you do need a strong man by your side!