Forced to learn the “letting go” part…

Forced to learn the “letting go” part…

The hardest thing for me to do is to… let go. To release someone up to God and life… to stop and try to make things happen or to fix them. I don’t think I’ve ever fully managed to do that.

So I wonder if what is happening right now is not a lesson where I am FORCED to let go. I actually have no choice. Well I do… but then I would turn into a psycho stalker bordering harassment. And I don’t want to do that…

For over a week now, out of nowhere, someone I felt close to… someone I care for greatly and have feelings for… chose to 1) stop reading my messages and finally 2) block my calls. Why? I don’t know. I have many scenarios possible in my head… but I am thinking that the most probable one is that he chose to deal with my attachment to him that he did not return in that immature way. Even if that does not make sense coming from him since I so loved his maturity and mental stability…

But it is what it is. It hurts like a bitch. My head is constantly hurting from the crying. I even managed to cry in public in my dad’s arms… it’s heart wrenching. It breaks me inside to feel again such a rejection from someone I had confided in because he told me to… from someone I trusted and chose to trust when my past would try to come and destroy the present. And I dared being me… to be rejected for it probably. So it hurts… and I miss him. I don’t understand, I got no explanation… and I don’t know that I ever will. It does not really make any sense and no matter his reasons, they will never be good excuses. Because adults talk… they don’t act like that.

Anyways… now I can only let go. I have to. It’s tough. I hate every second of it. I only want to sleep because that’s when I don’t think. And well… I don’t rest when I sleep anyways, so more sleep cannot be bad.

People say that he’ll come back. But why would he? He chose to suddenly cut me off… why would he suddenly come back? There is no reason for it… He won’t. And if I ever see him again, if ever our paths cross again… how will it be? I am ashamed. I am hurt. I am broken… once again. And it feels worse than before. But I am helpless and powerless as well. I just have to put on a smile and keep going. I have to try… I have to numb the pain. To move on… even though I can never forget.

I am forced to let go… in a cruel mean way. My biggest fear came true when I tried to not listen to it over and over again because he was not like the others… And I am left without explanation. Alone… hurting. Forced to let go.

Abandoned

Abandoned

So… bear with me. This will NOT make me look as the best Christian ever, but at least it will be bluntly and frankly honest.

We all struggle in life. But at times it’s harder and gets to the point where you see no way out.

If you’ve read my entries, you know that I am the hopeless romantic who has always wanted to find a man to spend her life with… and ALSO who always ended up bumping into the wall of NO.

Well… yes we can all learn and grow from this. Yes, if one doesn’t work, it might mean better is waiting for you. But that can last for so long until you get sick of the failing and heartache.

Personally I am sick of it. I don’t want to have to wait for better. I don’t want to get another no. I don’t see the point. I want it all to stop. In all this, I tried to be better, to become less this or more that since at times I was too needy, clingy or insecure. Letting the brain taking over. I sought out God and asked for His help repeatedly. For His will to be clear. And for His protection from more mistakes.

And I have now reached the point where I want to say… DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU CARE? Looks like you don’t. I ask for protection… I get hurt again. I asked for guidance… looks like what I heard was BS. I asked to have my dream come true, for a miracle… got another heartache. So seriously… is that some damn cruel joke? I put that desire in your heart to get married, just to make sure you NEVER get it and try harder to become better? I know this is all wrong in my head… in my emotions. A lack of sleep is not helping. But again, if things were not as stupid I would sleep.

Anyways… I feel abandoned by the one person on this planet who could do ANYTHING to help me: GOD. I feel like I am alone. Like He is not hearing me and does not care. Like I will never have my dream and I can just stop hoping. BUT I cannot stop hoping, of course! So that is where torture starts… Sure, I can hear many advice, insightful comments… but I am sick of it all. I want to stop hurting, hoping, failing. And I feel helpless and powerless to make it all stop… because if HE doesn’t end it, how could I? So the future does not seem very bright.

The promises of happy endings, the promises of a better time to come, the promise of a family to be part of my future… another plan to torture me? I know God is not a bad mean God. But at this point I feel like He’s forgotten me and will withhold this “reward” from me forever. Why? I don’t know… and of course I am not to know. He is God. I should not question Him. Or His will. But is really His will to see me hurt over and over again and not hear my plea to stop the vicious cycle and to protect me from myself?

I don’t know… I just want this all to end. I want answers. And I want it to WORK OUT for once. And for the final time too… I see no point in managing happiness when it feels so shitty here. I can’t.

So I feel abandoned. Alone. Forsaken. And I shouldn’t… but I am in the darkest pit and even though I try to get out… I am not.

Giving space is scary

Giving space is scary

Giving space to someone is not the easiest thing to achieve. At least for me… because it is like giving them space to leave and forget me.

I am not sure exactly what led to this… but I grew up with the fear of people getting to know me and leaving me afterwards. For me it is very important to feel secure within a relationship of any sort. With my family there is no problem. I believe that they will never leave me. They might not fully know me, but I trust them to stay and accept me no matter what. After all, blood is thicker than water.

I know people who have had friends for years… some kept MANY of those childhood friends or school friends close. I haven’t. I never really bonded with anyone growing up. Some… yes. But not strongly. Thus why I don’t even have my university friends. We never kept in touch once I started drifting. The strange thing, looking back, I don’t exactly know what made me drift off… but I started disconnecting. Mentally then physically.

There are some friends that have been there for a long time. But I can really see ONE friend that I can consider very close (not geographically) and this has been the case for over 10 years now. So not that old… I know it’s a strong friendship because she’s seen me at my worse time. And we’ve stayed close even through those life events that can often make people drift: her wedding, her four children while I am single. She disagreed with me on some stuff… but stuck with me. That is what I call true friendship.

So yes… I obviously have a fear of people. I get attached, but I don’t. I am myself, but not entirely. And while it was easier when I was young, now it’s harder to not get attached. Well, maybe it is with friends as I’ve learned to see that friends can come and go. But I also know that I long for that ONE connection with a man that will last and make me feel secure, loved and wanted. And that is probably where I get the most scared.

This person would become family, but would not be blood. So it’s a mix between friends and family… and it makes it scary. So I do want it bad… but it scares me to death when I care for a man in that sense. So maybe that is also why with some I have sabotaged it… because of that fear taking over me.

So yes… right now I am doing what I have never really fully done. I am giving him space to heal, to get better… In the past I only did give time to man once he told me off or was with someone else. So it’s not really like I had a choice in walking away. But this time, I have to. And it scares me.

When he left on his trip, I wished him well in a note… that his time away (not long) would help him and make him come back way better… starting a new chapter. And saying that I hoped to be part of it. But it’s not up to me. I am there… available to him. But he’s gotta have this time. And it’s either… he wants me in it or he doesn’t. And it’s his choice… and it is scary.

With him… I tried to be more open, to trust him more, to reveal more of who I am and of my thoughts… I tried to be me. I felt secure… now I feel less secure in this friendship. And my feelings make it worse. But it’s not all about me. It is hard to be hopeful for this to turn into something else… hard to be positive… but the future is… the future. What matters is the now. And the now is: friendship, him healing, me working on my issues.

So we will see what happens… but for now, space to you!

Stop with the positivity, please.

Stop with the positivity, please.

We can mostly all agree that being negative is not good… I would much prefer being positive. However sometimes it is just too hard, and positivity or encouragements are just things you want to throw into people’s face.

I am completely sick of this.

People want to encourage you… with words such as courage. Or they will tell you how awesome you are. How much you deserve the greatest guy and so on.

Or they will give you the reasons why it’s not worked out for you:

  • He cannot handle you
  • He’s not good enough or doesn’t feel worthy of you
  • Better awaits you
  • It’s just God protecting you from the wrong one
  • Something great will happen but it just takes more time

Or they will try to give you some advice:

  • See the positive in this
  • You’ve learned something about yourself and what you want
  • Just count your blessings
  • Try to do something just for you
  • Take care of yourself
  • Be grateful because you’ve got lots going on for you

Yes, all this is true. Yes all this makes sense and is made of wisdom and good thinking.

But sorry, right now I am sick of all that. I don’t want to hear it anymore. NOTHING!

What I want is for the situation to be resolved. What I want is for a miracle to happen. What I want is for a GOOD outcome instead of the same damn fucking rejection. I don’t want a SOLUTION or any adivce. I want something to happen that is POSITIVE. Something to happen where I can see that what I’ve done and who I am is ENOUGH. That yes, it’s good I keep on working on my personal issues… but yes, I can receive a great gift EVEN IF I AM NOT PERFECT!

Moreover… I want this feeling of injustice, which probably leads to self-pity, to be destroyed by something incredible. I want a change. I NEED a change. In what I feel, what I think… and what happens.

I am so ANGRY at this life… at God. It feels like I will never do or be enough. And I am trying so hard… I have for so long. But I am imperfect and I make mistakes. I am weak too at times… but I fucking try! Some people cheat, lie… play with others’ feelings, cheat some more. And yet they are able to find someone who love them. But when you try your hardest to be a good person, to truly care and love someone… nope… fail.

The dream of building my family… of having kids later on… each year it goes away. Each year it diminishes. I mean… what is the damn point of having hopes and dreams if it’s only to be disappointed, rejected and ignored? If I am so damn fucked up in the head, then why not kill that damn dream and make me want to be single. That should be easy enough!

Anyways… I am just done with the positivity… with the patience… with the working on myself… with trying to fix things, to solve others… It leads to NO good results, to no happy ending/beginning… just to more loneliness and feeling of being unwanted. So please… shut up with your kind words or advice… I cannot take them anymore. I’ve heard them all.

However, thanks for trying.

 

Failed attemps… me venting

Failed attemps… me venting

When you’ve been through many failed attempts with men, you tend to think that… it cannot work ever.

However, at times you find the strength to hope again. To hope for a miracle. To think that you need to be more positive and optimistic. To think that this time it is not like last time…

But is it ever exactly the same? No. However… the result is always the same. It’s a big ass failure. It’s another refusal, it’s another man “friendzoning” me.

I don’t know why the hell I happen to think that I gotta be myself… that it can work out… that this miracle can finally happen. Why I think that not following the “rules” of this world, the “advice” of people, the voice of reason would get me somewhere because I’d follow my own heart and instinct. Can I even trust myself? I am far from convinced of this.

So while I cannot trust my own instinct, I cannot either trust others’ advice. So… dilemma… or simply the impossible thing to overcome.

I grow in bitterness… I grow in feeling that this is all a big injustice. That while the guy who fucked me up in a big way can see his loving relationship getting better (one after a few committed ones)… I am left alone and rejected. How fucking fair is that? I am not saying I am an angel, a pure spotless saint, the perfect and ideal woman with no flaws whatsoever… far from it. But for crying out loud… I never treated someone like they were a convenience or a piece of sausage. I never led someone on. I may have disappointed someone who thought they were in love with me… and might have to turn one man down after having given him chances that he blew so badly that I got hurt in the process… but I am not a player, a heartbreaker, a fickle woman…

But why would it matter? It’s not enough to not be bad. Like it’s too much to be giving and generous and loving… I can never be right. I can never do what is right. I cannot follow the rules of society like I cannot follow my own rules. It’s fucking torture… and it’s leading only to more disappointment, more heartbreak and more failing.

I want a damn MIRACLE! That is how I’ve come to see it… a success in love… miracle for me! But why should I even want it? To be more disappointed? Probably.

Yes… this was me venting. This was me screaming on my scream how frustrated I am, how unfair this damn life is at times… and how I try so damn hard, but it’s never enough and it hurts!

I just want him to fall for me too… that’s all. 😦

When you f*** up…

When you f*** up…

So this week I really f***ed up… It’s not that what I did was terribly bad, but it sure was not smart and fruitful… not wise.

One morning I woke up feeling insecure and wanting reassurance. But, like many women, instead of trying to easier reason with myself OR address it straight… I texted some pathetic message to the person concerned. An hour later I was already regretting it. I did not want to sound clingy, needy, insecure, pathetic… like I did not want to put any pressure on him because he is going through a rough time. So I tried to tell him not to read it, to ignore it… but who would really DO that? I probably wouldn’t.

Yet… he did NOT interpret it for what it was (needy, clingy, pathetic), but he took it as me blaming and judging him for not talking to me more. So he got upset as it has been a very sensitive topic lately for him. I had to say it was not about him… and explained the true meaning of the message which does NOT make me look pretty. Before hearing about the meaning, he did say we’d talk about it at some later point. But anyways… now I am left without any news.

Result: I gotta give him time. Second result: what I was scared to see happen, I made it happen myself with a stupid ass text.

FINAL RESULT: THIS SUCKS and I suck too!

When you f*** up, it’s good to apologize. Like I think it’s good to be honest even if it plays against you. And learn from it… Be patient with the person you’ve upset too, let them come around. I won’t tell you for how long cause I am still trying to figure that one out! And maybe learn from it… if you can.

Personally I am disappointed in myself cause I knew I was not to send that. It bit me even more in the ass than I was scared of… Now I just wish I could fix it, especially with someone I care so much about and who is not doing so well lately. But I gotta be patient and silent, while missing him tons.

We always got room for improvement but sometimes it feels like we repeat the same mistake too often. It sucks… I just gotta hope I haven’t lost him. And that he’ll come back… and that we can put that in the past, as something that got us closer. Maybe… hopefully…

Triggers…

Triggers…

We all have those… triggers. Not the ones on guns… but the ones that get that instantaneous emotional response or reaction from you. And some of those reactions can be really difficult.

Some people can become defensive and shut down. Others can start freaking out and panicking. Others can be filled with an intense fear, and so forth.

This weekend, I got taken back to 10 years ago. And well, maybe this trigger is older than that… but at this point, I know for sure it took me back 10 years ago.

What happened? Well, a guy I fell for… suddenly stopped texting when he said he would update me on his situation and when I was supposed to see him. My calls were never answered and never returned. There was really no news at all. And I could not understand.

This triggered a bit dose of anxiety. I started fearing that he was mad at me, that something had happened, that he was tired of me, that he had found another girl or gone back with his ex, and so on. I felt ignored, avoided, rejected.

When it happened 10 years ago… I WAS ignored, avoided and rejected. I was also used and lied to. The man back then… he was really ignoring me and treating me like crap, taking me for granted and having me around whenever he wanted. He would never call back, never text back… or stop suddenly with no explanation. He simply toyed with the girl who was madly in love with him. Anyways… there is more to it, but I won’t go into details.

So this weekend, I started to feel again in that position. Where you cannot control anything and you are helpless. Where you cannot know what is going on and it’s the only thing that can soothe you. When you start imagining the worse, unable to believe that it will end well. When you start blaming yourself for this and that… even though you really didn’t do anything wrong. When you feel anxious, nervous, stressed out, panicking and it’s literally unbearable.

Thanks to whiskey though, I got to calm down my nerves after a little glass. But those triggers are so intense! And so not good!!! In the end, his phone fell into some water and was not working anymore. And in Switzerland stores are closed during the weekend so… And a man often doesn’t care that things don’t go right… it is what it is… So I got all crazy about this for no real reason.

I don’t want that anymore… and seeing a therapist is hopefully going to help as I identify where it comes from. This is a nightmare for me. Not so much for him, even if he gets a few messages and a couple phone calls notifications once the phone is back on. But it ruins my mood, my sleep, my rest, my days… and I don’t want that to have power over me again.

Triggers… have a source. I would encourage anyone to NOT accept this as just… this is me and part of my experience. NO! I would tell anyone to dig and to find the source, to deal with it and get rid of this! To NOT say it’s normal and won’t change… but to say, I will change that so I am not handicapped by it again!

So let’s fight! Let’s heal those old wounds… let’s put some loving balm over them so that they cannot hurt us anymore and ruin things too. Let’s just end the power those triggers have over us. Because we are stronger and we deserve to be free from those chains!