The hardest thing for me to do is to… let go. To release someone up to God and life… to stop and try to make things happen or to fix them. I don’t think I’ve ever fully managed to do that.
So I wonder if what is happening right now is not a lesson where I am FORCED to let go. I actually have no choice. Well I do… but then I would turn into a psycho stalker bordering harassment. And I don’t want to do that…
For over a week now, out of nowhere, someone I felt close to… someone I care for greatly and have feelings for… chose to 1) stop reading my messages and finally 2) block my calls. Why? I don’t know. I have many scenarios possible in my head… but I am thinking that the most probable one is that he chose to deal with my attachment to him that he did not return in that immature way. Even if that does not make sense coming from him since I so loved his maturity and mental stability…
But it is what it is. It hurts like a bitch. My head is constantly hurting from the crying. I even managed to cry in public in my dad’s arms… it’s heart wrenching. It breaks me inside to feel again such a rejection from someone I had confided in because he told me to… from someone I trusted and chose to trust when my past would try to come and destroy the present. And I dared being me… to be rejected for it probably. So it hurts… and I miss him. I don’t understand, I got no explanation… and I don’t know that I ever will. It does not really make any sense and no matter his reasons, they will never be good excuses. Because adults talk… they don’t act like that.
Anyways… now I can only let go. I have to. It’s tough. I hate every second of it. I only want to sleep because that’s when I don’t think. And well… I don’t rest when I sleep anyways, so more sleep cannot be bad.
People say that he’ll come back. But why would he? He chose to suddenly cut me off… why would he suddenly come back? There is no reason for it… He won’t. And if I ever see him again, if ever our paths cross again… how will it be? I am ashamed. I am hurt. I am broken… once again. And it feels worse than before. But I am helpless and powerless as well. I just have to put on a smile and keep going. I have to try… I have to numb the pain. To move on… even though I can never forget.
I am forced to let go… in a cruel mean way. My biggest fear came true when I tried to not listen to it over and over again because he was not like the others… And I am left without explanation. Alone… hurting. Forced to let go.