Fighting at a distance for a friendship

Fighting at a distance for a friendship

When someone chooses to take some distance from you… you can either let go or try to fight for that relationship. My personal desire is to fix things when they seem a little broken. Of course, not with everyone… some people don’t belong to our lives.

Anyways… when someone tells you that maybe time can heal the broken relationship without certainty… what do you do?

Do you leave them alone and let that “time” maybe heal the broken parts? Or do you try to help the “time” do the work? Do you let it all go or do you keep the hope alive for the friendship to be mended?

If that friendship matters so much, it will be hard to let go and walk away. Even if people will tell you to do that… Let’s be real. A parent will rarely walk away from a child with whom they’ve had issues. It can happen, but it’s probably not what happens usually. The difference is… the blood and the family ties.

But don’t you think that someone could count for you as much as a family member? Probably so… otherwise would we marry? Fall in love? And so… for those people it’s easier to walk away… but does that mean we should do it? Nope…

Personally I have chosen to give space to that person. He obviously needs it if he decided at some point that I was too present. BUT does that mean I NEVER reach out, never show that I am present? That I totally let go and vanish? Can that really help the situation?

Certainly some people come back in your lives later one… after you’ve lost sight of them. But let’s be real… it more often than not does not happen like that. So the choice is to walk on the thin line of: 1) giving that person space but 2) showing that you still care and remember them.

Sure I’d like to be able to fix what was broken on his side. I apologized for my mistakes, I have expressed most of my emotions. I also cannot take all the blame for what happened. But I cannot just fix it all. It takes 2 to be in a good relationship. And alone I cannot make it happen. That is when I have to allow time to heal. Allow God to move also. But while doing so I won’t just… abandon him. To me it would not make any sense. I am willing to work on things. I have to show it. Like I have to show that I understood my mistakes and do not want to repeat them.

I was too present… I have to give him space. I was pressuring him… I have to not ask questions. I want our friendship above it all… I have to act as a friend, not as a woman who wants more. It is not easy…

But also… what matters during that time is to work on myself. On those bad patterns that I repeat over and over again. So that I can find inner peace and self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem without needing the approval of others.

I would LOVE to have the remedy to fix this… I miss him. I miss my friend so much. Our contact… hearing from him about his life… sharing parts of it. It was a valuable friendship that I cannot see belonging to just a short period of my life. And so a quick fix would be awesome. But it is not happening that way. Maybe while I have to learn, he does too… so we will see.

Hard to hope, to believe, to have the faith… but I cannot let go what is so valuable.

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A step… now waiting

A step… now waiting

You might have read my previous post… and so, here is the step I decided to take afterwards.I prepared an email that I had a couple people read so that it would not be too much. Too emotional or accusing or whatever else that would make a friend (especially a man friend) run away…

And I sent it yesterday.

Now another process has started for me. A different kind of waiting. I wrote this email to apologize for something I have been doing for years, not on purpose, but that was too much for anyone… myself first! And it’s time to recognize it and not make it not so important if the person knows me. It was also me trying to reach out to my friend after 3 weeks of silence (well more…).

Did he write back? did he call? did he text? Nope… did he read the email? I believe he might have. How do I know? Because he’s finally read the texts I had sent to him on whatsapp. Is that a positive thing? Maybe… maybe not. It’s a step but no idea in which direction.

So what is there to do? Start again the bad cycle of going crazy, freaking out, etc? No… I cannot do that to myself. And I cannot harass him with with messages. I have to give him time.

Time for what? Well in best case scenarios… to get back in touch, talk and move on as friends again. Other scenarios are yet possible… such as… get in touch but call it quits. Or the worst case scenario… not get in touch at all.

It’s hard not knowing where it is going… if anywhere. Would that be my last attempt? I don’t think so, knowing how I am. But I cannot follow it up with another one right away. I just have to try and let it go… let God. It’s scary. But all I did was being honest, caring… and opening the door. So we will see…

One can hope for the best. One can prepare for the worst. In the end, we never know cause it involves another mind/heart.

So to be continued…

I am not giving up!

I am not giving up!

At the end of last week I came to face something I had already faced years ago… this world is filled with self-centered people who cannot fully give in any sort of relationships. They are so detached that everything seems real but is very much superficial.

We are in a world where people move on if things do not go their way. They give up… on people, on situations without even trying. Why? Because they cannot handle the hurt… they are afraid. They leave in fear even if they would never admit to it.

And yes… it is spreading. If you care too much for someone, it will look like you’re too needy. If you mourn a relationship or a friendship, then you were too attached and caring and something is wrong with you. If you fight for someone, you will look clingy and pathetic. Ask most people around you… and they will tell you that.

I have been told that. And you know what? It made me think. Well in that case, if you think that way… it means I cannot trust you. I cannot count on you. I know that you don’t fully care because you don’t want to or cannot. I know that if I were to leave or disappear, you would not feel much if anything… And it hurt. It sure did.

What was my first reaction? I want to hide. I want to isolate myself. Because I care deeply, I hurt intensely, I fight for people… and rejection is thus even harder. And who loves to hurt? Who loves to have their heart chipped at? Broken piece by piece? Certainly not me… because it leaves traces. So I wanted to stay away from people. It might not be so bad and we should do that with some people… but it was not right either.

It is fucking scary to put myself out there. It is fucking scary to fight for someone who seems to have left me behind because I believe in what we had. It is scary to imagine the pain I will maybe feel again if he keeps turning away from me. And it is scary to even try to have friends in a world where people are detached emotionally… where sex is a sport… where a breakup is like changing phones…

I haven’t gotten back to the point where I will have enough courage to fight with actions. I will admit it… I am still too scared. But I am getting to the point where I refuse to follow the grain of this world. I refuse to live a life where I am just detached, cautiously getting close to people but always keeping some distance. I refuse to care LESS because it could hurt more. I refuse to let go of people easily because it’s safer for my heart. I don’t even know if I truly could.

And so soon I will fight for this friendship. I will try to get it back… maybe in a better shape than ever because of this obstacle. I will do my best to show him that I care… that it is not fickle, that it is not self-centered. That I am not here to leave and let him go. And maybe he will reject me again. Maybe he will just not respond at all… and I will hurt and bleed inside. But I don’t give up on people.

And yes… people will think I am crazy. That I got no self-respect or self-esteem to chase after someone. That I should not care… But if someone was to do that for me… I would feel loved and special. Of course if done in a healthy way… Imagine you’ve hurt someone that you were close to, for any reason… but you care for them. And you don’t know how to deal with it all… or what to say. And they come back because no matter how much you’ve hurt them, they still care and forgive. I have seen people walk away because they had gotten hurt by something I said. And I felt TERRIBLE. I tried apologizing, but nothing would do. And I would have been glad to see them come to me after all this, still desiring a friendship. Because it meant something… in a world where nothing means anything.

So I will fight. I will care. Maybe more cautiously… I will take time to heal, to build up courage. But I will not let the world tell me I am a failure and a mistake. Something weird that does it all wrong. Why? Because it’s out of love. Because I know deep in my heart that what I feel is unconditional love… that it’s genuine. If it wasn’t… then they could walk away from me. But it is not the case… and I refuse to let them go without a fight. Not by crawling back and accepting anything… but by saying… I got hurt real bad… but I still want you in my life. It makes no sense… but in my world, if God was to walk away every time I turned my back to Him by not talking to Him, or getting mad at Him or when I was hurting Him by my behavior… then there would be no hope. That would NOT be true love.

AND I WANT TO SEE MORE TRUE LOVE IN THIS WORLD…. even if it means being one in a million and looking like a fool.

8 days

8 days

8 days… I have been crying 8 days in a row. Certainly not continuously… but I have been crying. And I feel like I have been frowning for 8 days as well… smiling is not coming easily unless my mind is occupied.

8 days (more actually) of forced silence. Of being silenced by someone who does not want to hear from me. Who refuses to talk to me. 8 days with questions in my head, with fear eating at me.

8 days of trying to survive each day without more tears, trying to find things to be grateful for and to not sound like a pathetic clingy chick. I have been wondering if he is doing ok or not. Is he happier without me?

8 days of not daring to ask his friends how he is… what is new if anything. 8 days of being afraid of the answer to that question. I don’t want to know that he got sick of me, or that he is back with his ex or found another chick.

8 days of wanting to find encouragements and opinions. And each time feeling ashamed and hurt because it feels like it’s due to me. And maybe it is but maybe it is not. I guess people are not helping me… and I turn to them because I wish they would. But how could they?

8 days of being so sad… that the rest does not get to me. But after 8 days I am sick of me going at me… making it sound like I am just stupid, pathetic and wrong. I try to fix things… with everyone. I try to help… but in the end, it always works against me.

8 days of wondering at times what the hell I am doing here. When all the good intentions in the world do not lead anywhere. What if even the doors that seem to open… are just a nice thing that will suddenly close in your face to make you feel even more useless. Maybe an open door is just another opportunity to get rejected and to fail even more!

8 days of being down, negative… pessimistic. 8 days of being sad, teary… tired. 8 days of feeling like a failure, ashamed… broken. 8 days of losing hope, faith… joy.

And the worst part is… I don’t know that anything or anyone can end it. Because all I have is silence, doubt, questions and fear.

Can I sleep for a while? Can I wake up and see everything fixed? Probably not…

Forced to learn the “letting go” part…

Forced to learn the “letting go” part…

The hardest thing for me to do is to… let go. To release someone up to God and life… to stop and try to make things happen or to fix them. I don’t think I’ve ever fully managed to do that.

So I wonder if what is happening right now is not a lesson where I am FORCED to let go. I actually have no choice. Well I do… but then I would turn into a psycho stalker bordering harassment. And I don’t want to do that…

For over a week now, out of nowhere, someone I felt close to… someone I care for greatly and have feelings for… chose to 1) stop reading my messages and finally 2) block my calls. Why? I don’t know. I have many scenarios possible in my head… but I am thinking that the most probable one is that he chose to deal with my attachment to him that he did not return in that immature way. Even if that does not make sense coming from him since I so loved his maturity and mental stability…

But it is what it is. It hurts like a bitch. My head is constantly hurting from the crying. I even managed to cry in public in my dad’s arms… it’s heart wrenching. It breaks me inside to feel again such a rejection from someone I had confided in because he told me to… from someone I trusted and chose to trust when my past would try to come and destroy the present. And I dared being me… to be rejected for it probably. So it hurts… and I miss him. I don’t understand, I got no explanation… and I don’t know that I ever will. It does not really make any sense and no matter his reasons, they will never be good excuses. Because adults talk… they don’t act like that.

Anyways… now I can only let go. I have to. It’s tough. I hate every second of it. I only want to sleep because that’s when I don’t think. And well… I don’t rest when I sleep anyways, so more sleep cannot be bad.

People say that he’ll come back. But why would he? He chose to suddenly cut me off… why would he suddenly come back? There is no reason for it… He won’t. And if I ever see him again, if ever our paths cross again… how will it be? I am ashamed. I am hurt. I am broken… once again. And it feels worse than before. But I am helpless and powerless as well. I just have to put on a smile and keep going. I have to try… I have to numb the pain. To move on… even though I can never forget.

I am forced to let go… in a cruel mean way. My biggest fear came true when I tried to not listen to it over and over again because he was not like the others… And I am left without explanation. Alone… hurting. Forced to let go.

Abandoned

Abandoned

So… bear with me. This will NOT make me look as the best Christian ever, but at least it will be bluntly and frankly honest.

We all struggle in life. But at times it’s harder and gets to the point where you see no way out.

If you’ve read my entries, you know that I am the hopeless romantic who has always wanted to find a man to spend her life with… and ALSO who always ended up bumping into the wall of NO.

Well… yes we can all learn and grow from this. Yes, if one doesn’t work, it might mean better is waiting for you. But that can last for so long until you get sick of the failing and heartache.

Personally I am sick of it. I don’t want to have to wait for better. I don’t want to get another no. I don’t see the point. I want it all to stop. In all this, I tried to be better, to become less this or more that since at times I was too needy, clingy or insecure. Letting the brain taking over. I sought out God and asked for His help repeatedly. For His will to be clear. And for His protection from more mistakes.

And I have now reached the point where I want to say… DO YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU CARE? Looks like you don’t. I ask for protection… I get hurt again. I asked for guidance… looks like what I heard was BS. I asked to have my dream come true, for a miracle… got another heartache. So seriously… is that some damn cruel joke? I put that desire in your heart to get married, just to make sure you NEVER get it and try harder to become better? I know this is all wrong in my head… in my emotions. A lack of sleep is not helping. But again, if things were not as stupid I would sleep.

Anyways… I feel abandoned by the one person on this planet who could do ANYTHING to help me: GOD. I feel like I am alone. Like He is not hearing me and does not care. Like I will never have my dream and I can just stop hoping. BUT I cannot stop hoping, of course! So that is where torture starts… Sure, I can hear many advice, insightful comments… but I am sick of it all. I want to stop hurting, hoping, failing. And I feel helpless and powerless to make it all stop… because if HE doesn’t end it, how could I? So the future does not seem very bright.

The promises of happy endings, the promises of a better time to come, the promise of a family to be part of my future… another plan to torture me? I know God is not a bad mean God. But at this point I feel like He’s forgotten me and will withhold this “reward” from me forever. Why? I don’t know… and of course I am not to know. He is God. I should not question Him. Or His will. But is really His will to see me hurt over and over again and not hear my plea to stop the vicious cycle and to protect me from myself?

I don’t know… I just want this all to end. I want answers. And I want it to WORK OUT for once. And for the final time too… I see no point in managing happiness when it feels so shitty here. I can’t.

So I feel abandoned. Alone. Forsaken. And I shouldn’t… but I am in the darkest pit and even though I try to get out… I am not.

Giving space is scary

Giving space is scary

Giving space to someone is not the easiest thing to achieve. At least for me… because it is like giving them space to leave and forget me.

I am not sure exactly what led to this… but I grew up with the fear of people getting to know me and leaving me afterwards. For me it is very important to feel secure within a relationship of any sort. With my family there is no problem. I believe that they will never leave me. They might not fully know me, but I trust them to stay and accept me no matter what. After all, blood is thicker than water.

I know people who have had friends for years… some kept MANY of those childhood friends or school friends close. I haven’t. I never really bonded with anyone growing up. Some… yes. But not strongly. Thus why I don’t even have my university friends. We never kept in touch once I started drifting. The strange thing, looking back, I don’t exactly know what made me drift off… but I started disconnecting. Mentally then physically.

There are some friends that have been there for a long time. But I can really see ONE friend that I can consider very close (not geographically) and this has been the case for over 10 years now. So not that old… I know it’s a strong friendship because she’s seen me at my worse time. And we’ve stayed close even through those life events that can often make people drift: her wedding, her four children while I am single. She disagreed with me on some stuff… but stuck with me. That is what I call true friendship.

So yes… I obviously have a fear of people. I get attached, but I don’t. I am myself, but not entirely. And while it was easier when I was young, now it’s harder to not get attached. Well, maybe it is with friends as I’ve learned to see that friends can come and go. But I also know that I long for that ONE connection with a man that will last and make me feel secure, loved and wanted. And that is probably where I get the most scared.

This person would become family, but would not be blood. So it’s a mix between friends and family… and it makes it scary. So I do want it bad… but it scares me to death when I care for a man in that sense. So maybe that is also why with some I have sabotaged it… because of that fear taking over me.

So yes… right now I am doing what I have never really fully done. I am giving him space to heal, to get better… In the past I only did give time to man once he told me off or was with someone else. So it’s not really like I had a choice in walking away. But this time, I have to. And it scares me.

When he left on his trip, I wished him well in a note… that his time away (not long) would help him and make him come back way better… starting a new chapter. And saying that I hoped to be part of it. But it’s not up to me. I am there… available to him. But he’s gotta have this time. And it’s either… he wants me in it or he doesn’t. And it’s his choice… and it is scary.

With him… I tried to be more open, to trust him more, to reveal more of who I am and of my thoughts… I tried to be me. I felt secure… now I feel less secure in this friendship. And my feelings make it worse. But it’s not all about me. It is hard to be hopeful for this to turn into something else… hard to be positive… but the future is… the future. What matters is the now. And the now is: friendship, him healing, me working on my issues.

So we will see what happens… but for now, space to you!