Alone before, during, after

Alone before, during, after

So… I just had a small surgery. Nothing huge, nothing that required me to stay more than a day in the hospital. But it is my first surgery and it sucks because I have to rest for a bit less than a year.

The hard part is that it takes time to heal… and I am not patient. It takes me away from my workout buddies… it makes me scared to gain weight, to lose my strength or cardio (which is already poor). I also go through this alone. It is a choice, but even those who know don’t seem to care much.

I chose not to mention it to my parents. They are away on vacation, it’s best they don’t worry for nothing. But that meant that, even though I tried to find someone, I had to go alone to the hospital taking train and bus. And then I came back home alone too with the bus. So before that… I had to prepare on my own mentally. Thanks to the people at the hospital who were really kind and caring. Then during, well no one could have been there really… maybe just with me at the hospital but it’s not the first time I spend almost a day there alone. Then after… well no one really asked how I was. I know I was to tell some people… but no one asked. And no one is checking on me afterwards…

So it makes me wonder if this world is really… kind. I mean, are there people who care for others and will be there when needed? It seems so… but then, not for me? I don’t know. I am sure I sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party… maybe it is so. But damn it I am tired of being alone. I have to take care of myself… I have to talk to myself. I have to deal with things alone.

I try to reach out… but probably to the wrong people. I get put in my place by being ignored, or with words that are not so nice. And I find myself having to fight yet again against depression, against feeling worthless, against this lack of self-confidence that I so need at work right now where all is new and everything has to be proven. And I don’t know why I keep on pushing, keep on pursuing some people/friends… because I don’t want to be alone.

If I were to not say anything… most would not notice (my family maybe). If I were to get hurt, I am not sure many would be touched by it. And it’s not like I do nothing for others, that I haven’t been there for them. I don’t know… is this world selfish? Or is this world just not wanting to give to me? And this world means people. I know… this writing is a bit pathetic. I sound like a poor girl, victim of all the wickedness of this world.

I am not… I am aware that my life is not bad. Just not easy… but not bad. I got many things to be happy about. I just… feel alone. And in the surgery… it was stronger than usual. But I can make it fine. We all can. Cause life is not so bad at all… at least for me it’s not. I can see some positives… just the void in my heart makes it all a bit harder.

But I am not the only one like that… so… shut up and keep going! Thanks for listening to my venting… again!


Last day before the leap

Last day before the leap

So on Friday is my last day at this job I have had since October 2012. My real full-time job… far from my studies or anything that I ever did, but still. I got to learn a lot of things, and I got to assert myself as well. I think I grew during those years, I became more of an adult.

While I am leaving the job to totally change career (still nothing to do with my studies), it is good that I leave it in general. When you do something that is not a passion or something that is not really fitting with your personality, it is fine for a while but it gets draining. And it is now… I am or was good at that job, but I never dug more into it. I never wanted to become excellent, to know it all, to dig deeper, to educate myself. So it is good that I change…

BUT by changing I am leaving behind my routine, my habits, my comfort zone. I am leaving what I’ve known and what has been rather easy. I am going into the unknown, changing all my habits and sacrificing some activities at least for a while. I will make less money for a year. I will be under harsher authority. I will be trained… hard.

I am also leaving customers and colleagues. Not all of them I got to become close… but some I did. And being a relational person I will miss them. And it is hard. I don’t want to abandon anyone. But I also know that some of them will abandon me… in a way. And that means that I will try to maybe make new allies in the new workplace… but also that I will face hostility, jealousy, and stupid people. I will be mostly alone in my own head with strangers… for a while and maybe for a year.

So I am sad to leave. I am sad to put everything behind. I also know that I don’t even yet realize fully all that I am leaving. I am scared about the future. I am scared of failing and of sacrificing things for nothing. I am scared of being alone and lonely. I am scared to be forgotten too. There is positive… of course. But it’s difficult to see. It’s difficult to be confident when facing the unknown. And all this makes me feel like I don’t even want to try. I want to have it all easy.

But who does? Well it happens… but I just wish that for once I would have it all easy. I wish it would just require little efforts and come fully naturally and deeply. I wish all doors would open up miraculously… that I would be favored somehow. Not just at work…

Anyways… changes are good. But scary. Leaving is good, starting a new scary. I guess only time will tell and I will know how it all unfolds.