It is a new year… yet if we think about it, it doesn’t mean much. Is it really a new beginning? I don’t know… I feel like it’s just a continuity.
You might wonder if anything new happened since last I wrote… well no. At least not to me directly. I am still given the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. I’ve tried to reach out a little… not much. But without success. And today I sent my New Year wishes in a card by mail.
I am sure a few would think I need to quit. That I am making it all worse, or that I am making myself look pathetic… or that I should have moved on. And I was doing better. I never really move on from a person I believed in truly and got to know deeply. It’d be like saying “I changed my mind about you, you don’t matter anymore”. It’d be a lie… but anyways… I was better. Less crying… until something happened to someone close to me.
The possible end of a marriage with a baby girl in the middle… just after a bit more than a year… without real reason but to want to live his life for himself. Real mature!? Men have been that way… and so while it affects me indirectly, it hurt me as well because it made me once again lose faith in relationships and friendships. It reminded me of the fear of getting attached to anyone because then they could leave and break your heart.
My mom was maybe right to say that people will always let you down… or that you cannot trust someone fully. I don’t know… it looks dangerous for one’s heart if it is a caring heart. And so that happened, and the hurt came back. Especially because I wanted my friend back during that time, to help me process so that I could be strong for my loved one. My own shoulder to cry on…
However can I cry on a shoulder that needs itself one to cry on? I don’t know… but yeah… all this to say this situation has not changed. The gift I got him is in my pantry. And it might never get out of there.
I am also facing the professional change that will happen soon. Starting now, I have to slowly train and give away what I have been doing for a couple years now. It’s not that easy… to let go. Because it also means starting something new and a bit scary. I don’t do well with changes and the unknown. I adapt rapidly, but the before part… it is tough. I will have to change my routine, give up my independence for a while to live with others, obey orders, not see my friends and family as much as before… I am scared of ending up totally alone without any support. Well no… I will have my family. But I often don’t want to worry them and if things are bad for them, I will even more keep it all inside. So yes… the change scares me. A lot. And I don’t think a lot of people get it either… because yes it’s a great opportunity and might be awesome. But I am not chill… I am not relaxed about it… and I am not in the best head space lately either.
However, I try to remain positive. I try to hope again. I try to reason and see things as turning out well now. I try to think that a change in the number of a year might mean a real good change in life. One can hope… or dream… or be disillusioned. I guess I will know in 362 days.