8 days… I have been crying 8 days in a row. Certainly not continuously… but I have been crying. And I feel like I have been frowning for 8 days as well… smiling is not coming easily unless my mind is occupied.
8 days (more actually) of forced silence. Of being silenced by someone who does not want to hear from me. Who refuses to talk to me. 8 days with questions in my head, with fear eating at me.
8 days of trying to survive each day without more tears, trying to find things to be grateful for and to not sound like a pathetic clingy chick. I have been wondering if he is doing ok or not. Is he happier without me?
8 days of not daring to ask his friends how he is… what is new if anything. 8 days of being afraid of the answer to that question. I don’t want to know that he got sick of me, or that he is back with his ex or found another chick.
8 days of wanting to find encouragements and opinions. And each time feeling ashamed and hurt because it feels like it’s due to me. And maybe it is but maybe it is not. I guess people are not helping me… and I turn to them because I wish they would. But how could they?
8 days of being so sad… that the rest does not get to me. But after 8 days I am sick of me going at me… making it sound like I am just stupid, pathetic and wrong. I try to fix things… with everyone. I try to help… but in the end, it always works against me.
8 days of wondering at times what the hell I am doing here. When all the good intentions in the world do not lead anywhere. What if even the doors that seem to open… are just a nice thing that will suddenly close in your face to make you feel even more useless. Maybe an open door is just another opportunity to get rejected and to fail even more!
8 days of being down, negative… pessimistic. 8 days of being sad, teary… tired. 8 days of feeling like a failure, ashamed… broken. 8 days of losing hope, faith… joy.
And the worst part is… I don’t know that anything or anyone can end it. Because all I have is silence, doubt, questions and fear.
Can I sleep for a while? Can I wake up and see everything fixed? Probably not…