We all have those… triggers. Not the ones on guns… but the ones that get that instantaneous emotional response or reaction from you. And some of those reactions can be really difficult.
Some people can become defensive and shut down. Others can start freaking out and panicking. Others can be filled with an intense fear, and so forth.
This weekend, I got taken back to 10 years ago. And well, maybe this trigger is older than that… but at this point, I know for sure it took me back 10 years ago.
What happened? Well, a guy I fell for… suddenly stopped texting when he said he would update me on his situation and when I was supposed to see him. My calls were never answered and never returned. There was really no news at all. And I could not understand.
This triggered a bit dose of anxiety. I started fearing that he was mad at me, that something had happened, that he was tired of me, that he had found another girl or gone back with his ex, and so on. I felt ignored, avoided, rejected.
When it happened 10 years ago… I WAS ignored, avoided and rejected. I was also used and lied to. The man back then… he was really ignoring me and treating me like crap, taking me for granted and having me around whenever he wanted. He would never call back, never text back… or stop suddenly with no explanation. He simply toyed with the girl who was madly in love with him. Anyways… there is more to it, but I won’t go into details.
So this weekend, I started to feel again in that position. Where you cannot control anything and you are helpless. Where you cannot know what is going on and it’s the only thing that can soothe you. When you start imagining the worse, unable to believe that it will end well. When you start blaming yourself for this and that… even though you really didn’t do anything wrong. When you feel anxious, nervous, stressed out, panicking and it’s literally unbearable.
Thanks to whiskey though, I got to calm down my nerves after a little glass. But those triggers are so intense! And so not good!!! In the end, his phone fell into some water and was not working anymore. And in Switzerland stores are closed during the weekend so… And a man often doesn’t care that things don’t go right… it is what it is… So I got all crazy about this for no real reason.
I don’t want that anymore… and seeing a therapist is hopefully going to help as I identify where it comes from. This is a nightmare for me. Not so much for him, even if he gets a few messages and a couple phone calls notifications once the phone is back on. But it ruins my mood, my sleep, my rest, my days… and I don’t want that to have power over me again.
Triggers… have a source. I would encourage anyone to NOT accept this as just… this is me and part of my experience. NO! I would tell anyone to dig and to find the source, to deal with it and get rid of this! To NOT say it’s normal and won’t change… but to say, I will change that so I am not handicapped by it again!
So let’s fight! Let’s heal those old wounds… let’s put some loving balm over them so that they cannot hurt us anymore and ruin things too. Let’s just end the power those triggers have over us. Because we are stronger and we deserve to be free from those chains!