I need to vent. I need to tell you that I find this totally not fair… I need to speak my mind because I will not tell you face to face… why? Because I am sure you would not enjoy the confrontation. I am sure you would want to avoid the conflict… even if it’s not really a conflict. But here it goes…
Don’t think I am stupid! I SEE how different you are when your girl is in the same room. You’re done teasing me, giving me a hard time about everything I do. No… you stay away, you don’t talk to me or address me. Sure you are reserved toward everyone when she’s there… but you still TALK to them. But not to me… no. I get that once she thought I was maybe after you. I TOLD YOU to tell her my situation… that I was trying to recover from a broken heart from someone ELSE. Now you even know who it is. But I am sure you are choosing to ignore this situation. After all I am the only one suffering from it and feeling bad. Today I even tried to talk to her… to befriend her. But she would follow you everywhere, and since you would not talk to me… And she didn’t open the dialogue, so I guess she didn’t fully believe you. And you must know it since you are keeping away. Do you have any fucking idea how much it hurts? You try to make friends, you need friends as you face a broken heart… and that friend becomes a damn stranger due to a jealous or suspicious girlfriend. No matter what I try, I am the bad woman. The villain like in the movies… the witch like in the fairytales. I am not perfect… but hell!!! I always try to consider others’ feelings… so much that I forget my own. And I get that. So thanks… it’s great. You said it was fine… but it is not. Today made it obvious. And I feel like shit for it. I thought we were friends… I saw you like a little brother… And I can bet that next time we’ll train together, you’ll act as usual giving me a hard time. Well fuck that! Why would you be allowed to do that? You’re not… I deserve better than that.
And to you whose new girlfriend does not accept that I text you about your job! WOW… I encourage you as a good friend would do or family… maybe I am neither. But I didn’t flirt with you even though I am still in love with you. You already chose HER over me… I got that. Yet I guess I never truly was a friend since trying to salvage that seems impossible. I am again here the enemy. She doesn’t know me… she fights about me with you… After TWO DAMN MONTHS! Promising relationship… or maybe you told her I used to be a sex friend. Smart move… if you did it. I doubt it though. You’re not the kind to spill the beans about your past. But I could be wrong. After all I thought you were a man… but you’re a boy. You used me like a tissue and now threw me away. You let a woman choose for you who was your friend or not. And I guess I was good enough for you to fuck and more… but after that. I just think you’re a coward cause I think you felt more. But you were afraid. You were a boy. And you still are now… I saw a man… maybe I saw a potential that you might never reach. But in the end, who’s got the broken heart AND the broken friendship? Me… yeah of course.
To both of you… we are going to be a team soon for what was supposed to be a fun day of sports. So… instead I will have to just shut up and ignore you. Because you both hurt me. Because you know I am not a bad person and yet you didn’t defend me. You chose their jealousy over me. And some may think they’re right… I don’t. And I hope that if I am ever someone’s girlfriend I will never do that and remember how it feels to be accused, judged, condemned. If you were ok with me, with them… you would not behave like that. You would not think the other one’s girlfriend is dumb and should not come to the competition if she has a problem… while you yourself ignore me when she is around.
So thanks… thanks for making me feel like I am bad. For making me doubting myself. For making me think that there is something wrong with me. I don’t need that.