Well I was right… the night brought back memories… But those were more or less ok. Not too numerous. However the night brought back feelings.

The feeling of him being in my home, of him sitting at my table, of him being comfortably seated on my couch, of him at my door, of his voice resonating in my small apartment… but unlike the last times, there was no intimacy, no sharing between two persons, no touch… And then he left.

While being quiet came naturally during most of the evening, it was a shock when the time came closer and closer for them to leave. I wanted to fight it. I wanted him to linger. And maybe he did…  when one said they should get going, but he kept talking and no one left. He talked a great lot. Like… does he really talk that much usually? Not in my memories of us with others. But then he left, just like them. And he didn’t text to ask if he could come back. Why would he?

And that’s when I came crashing down. In all honesty, I am not sure why… what causes me to be so damn depressed about it? Because I believed it felt so right? Because I had seen how I had changed? Why? Stupidity? Idiocy? I wish I knew. And I want to change… to let go. But I don’t. And if I let go, well that scares me. So I don’t…. yeah, stupidity for sure!

Since then it is hard. Since then I am on edge. I snap easily at people. I have no patience. I feel angry. And I have been this way for too many months. And lately it is worse. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to be bitter, angry, heartbroken, broken, empty… but fighting it seems impossible.

Anyways… that night went well, but it went bad. That night was nice, but that night was dreadful. And he is still gone. And he doesn’t care. Because if he did, it’d be different.

I think memories as in moments you relive are not the worse. BUT remembering the feelings, the closeness… that is hard. And I wonder if it really ever goes away completely when you’re in love. It took me 9 years to move on from hoping with my first in-love crush. I cannot live like that for 9 years.

So yeah… mixed feelings on this evening… to say the least.


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