I don’t think everyone does that, but I am really good at doing self-introspection. To the point where it’s a bit too extreme and I will see just about anything that would require to be worked on.

Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out why it is so hard to remain happy, peaceful, positive and hopeful. And I believe that I came up with a few keys:

  1. I lost the trust I had in my own judgments and thought process – thus I question and doubt everything I may feel or think, any conclusion or revelation I may get
  2. I depend too much on other people’s appreciation
  3. Mix those two and you struggle with a feeling of rejection and no self-worth

So yes, that is where I stand. The first one affects the second one, which in turns affects again the first one. Vicious cycle… and I am totally in it. It’s like an evil spiral that doesn’t go up like a twister, but it is drilling a deep hole in which I am falling.

It is really difficult because now all I want is to get away from people. However, I got some guys coming over on Saturday and I am going on my trip next week to meet up with my friend. And how do I feel? I feel like no one wants to really come or spend time with me. I feel inadequate, I feel insecure and needy… I feel unwanted and pathetic. It’s far from agreeable.

This heartbreak really did  break something in me that is much deeper than just romantic feelings toward someone. And I seem to have a hard time fixing it. Can I even fix it? I am not sure at all. God can… but then I come to doubt I can really hear Him and let Him guide me. So yeah… I am stuck in a deep hole, my only way out seems unreachable due to my flaws.

I hope sleep helps me out… clears my mind. Like sports. And I hope my perseverance and refusal to give up will pay… Yup, that is what I hope.

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