Have you ever felt like something bad was going to happen? Like you were going to receive a painful news, hear something you don’t want to hear? Be rejected, feel unloved, etc?
Well anyways… those moments are not common, but today I had one. And I don’t know if it’s just me being anxious, going through some sort of anxiety attack… or if I am just paranoid for no reason… or if it’s intuition.
I’d like to say that if I had that kind of intuition, then I would have figured out that the guy I love had found himself a girlfriend. And I did not really see it coming… But anyways, that’s not the point. The point is today…
The feeling is as if you’re staying under a guillotine, waiting for it to drop and cut your head off. But it’s sudden, and you have no idea why you’re in that situation. Like a bad dream or a nightmare. I know… I sound crazy.
I remember having that feeling now and then since I was a little girl. In all honesty, it felt a lot like rejection. Rejected by what? I’d say people in general… the world… life. It’s hard to describe but it’s such a bad feeling to have. I hate it. And I was not happy to suddenly feel that way.
However I do believe it’s linked to my thoughts. My negative and paranoid thoughts… the ones that expect the worse to happen, that fear the worse. That tell me over and over that people are laughing at me, mocking me, thinking I am crazy and that they don’t want to associate with me. Those are lies… I hope. But see, I still have that doubt. Which feeds the paranoia, the anguish in me.
I think when that has happened in the past, it never led to a bad event happening. At least not that I remember of… and that is good. So maybe it really is not intuition or instinct. But I often feel like it is…
Those feelings are awful. They can lead to so much darkness in the mind. No one should ever go through that. Never feel that way. It’s wrong. It’s not the truth and it’s such a deep attack to one’s heart, one’s hope, one’s light.
So I’ll fight it… and I am glad it does go away usually. But F*** this! LIES LIES LIES that I refuse. And so should you!