Fighting hope and guarding your heart against any tiny sparks of it is not the easiest thing to do. But it is necessary…
What do I mean by that? Well here is why I am talking about this.
As mentioned previously I’ve been going through a heartbreak/rejection. However I am not the kind who just lets go after a week and gives up especially because I truly did love the guy. So while in the past I often had the distance helping (me Europe, them USA), this time I don’t. And I don’t even have the chance to be able to not see him as we go to the same CrossFit gym.
Certainly I could ignore him and I don’t get to see him for a long time. But I won’t do that… as we have things planned together with others as a team. And I saw a great man in him, I cannot just change my mind and think he’s not worth my friendship. So I try to remain friends. At first… it felt like my feelings for him had put him off and made him distant and a bit rude. But this week it was different… and that’s where it gets hard.
We chatted every day… he was more responsive than he’s been in a while. So what does it do? It makes me want to hope that maybe something changed on his side and he’s “coming back to me”. BUT I have to fight against those thoughts and ideas. It is not the reality. It’s only wishful thinking that would not help me move on.
The battle of the mind is a hard one to have! You fight against yourself… You try to protect yourself when your stupidity is only making it harder and trying to get you hurt AGAIN. Thank God for distractions such as sports and such. But it still remains a battle… a daily battle. But it’s a bit of a matter of life and death. If I fail, the tiny little piece of hope remaining in my heart, and that has been slowly diminishing with bad experiences, will die. And I cannot let that happen.
So I fight this battle. I fight my mind… I fight my wishful thinking. I try to control it all, to focus on other things, to remember reality unlike previously. This is not a world like in the movies or tv shows or fairy tales. It’s real life. And in real life, people don’t really change their minds that fast and realize whom they love: the lost dejected lover!