Our bodies are marvels. I mean, if you think of it… we are quite incredibly made. It’s so complex, yet so perfect. It’s so intricate as well… I am no doctor, but I believe that studying our bodies is infinite and you will always find something new to be awed by.
However, there is one thing that is missing. The switch off button for the brain. But maybe that is not exactly physical. Or it’s a mix between physical and spiritual. I don’t know… all I know is that button does not exist and I want it to just appear!
Sleep can help… but sleep eventually stops. And while we sleep, we can be assaulted by dreams that are too similar to reality. Or that can make the hours you’re awake harder because they reminded you of what you don’t or can’t have.
So yes… I want a button. I am a woman with wild imagination. Wild and often negative/paranoid imagination. Trust me… it’s not agreeable. For no one… but especially for me. And if I could, I would end that torture. But I haven’t figured out how to do so… An activity, such as sports, will help for a couple hours. But when the thoughts haunting you are too powerful, they come back after no matter how much calories you’ve spent.
My imagination might be great. But right now it’s not. Because right now it reminds me that you are not with me… that you are probably with her, maybe with other friends. You’re building a circle of friends, other couples too. You’re probably putting your hand on your knee or around her waist, stealing kisses here and there. You look at her with a smile, you cannot wait to take her home and get her naked. To ravish her body and make her scream your name. And then to fall asleep happy and satisfied, because you got it all right there next to you and it’ll still be there when you wake up and open your eyes. You’re building something with her… a future, a relationship. Maybe you wonder if you’ll marry her and have babies with her… or when you’ll introduce her to your parents.
Each one of those thoughts stabs my heart… punches my stomach… makes my eyes tear up again. Like it has this entire Saturday. She got all that I wanted… and never received from you. And all I have to do is stop… not think… give up… let you go. And it hurts… and I want it to stop. I want my brain to stop. Longer than for a few minutes here and there. I want to switch off that part of my brain that thinks about you, I want to numb that part of my heart that feels for you.
But I can’t… and it’s a constant torture. It’s been over a month… and it’s still hard. I guess I really did love you after all…