I love to write, to express my feelings through a letter. And it is a rather lost art. Here, in Switzerland, you rarely get a card and even less one with lots written in it. A woman might react to it nicely, a man is a bit more put off by it. But I still do it…

For the past few months I wrote two cards that I gave to a man. Actually maybe three. But numbers don’t exactly matter. They were not love letters… because it never became a love relationship. But the feelings are there on my side… and so, here I want to write the letter I can never give him now that it’s most likely never going to happen.

Dear X,

We met in 2012. We would see each other quite often at CrossFit; but while we did seem to joke and get along, you were just another acquaintance. Later on it seems that you became one of those men who knew how to pick on me and make me react using my sarcasm. But this attention that seemed to not be directed toward other ladies, got me a bit uncomfortable. Why? You had a girlfriend… but I also really was not interested. I didn’t see you that way. It was just never in my mind. And I was trying to calm that weird attention I felt from you that I didn’t always enjoy.

And then something happened last year. You started to want to hug me when all sweaty. I finally let you after my US trip in May. And after that, we joked more. I befriended you on facebook. We chatted a little and I found out that you were single, which I didn’t know. A friend, followed by others, encouraged me to try with you. But I still was reluctant. I didn’t want to be in your team for the Team challenge. But on that day everything changed. The entire time you joked with others and with me, making up stories of us being together… and so on. More people encouraged me. And I let them convince me.

Followed more conversations online… and I got to know you better. I started appreciating you. And then I messed up. I lost it due to my fear… you remained nice but to this day I think I killed something by reacting like a paranoid insecure woman. However we still talked and met up. And let’s just say that quite a few times I got a little scared during those times. Why? Because it felt like we matched in way more than just an interest in CrossFit.

This will sound crazy, but looking into your eyes I felt at home. I felt comfortable. It felt right. And it was based on our backgrounds, our education, our life paths, other interests, our lifestyle health wise, our mindset about what is going on in our country, and so on. I could picture a future for the first time. And it all seemed simple, easy and natural. And that scared me because it made me vulnerable to being hurt again.

Fortunately during that time I got to improve myself. To be more at peace with myself and to not let my thoughts drive me crazy anymore. I still made mistakes… but I became a better person because I felt for you. I became stronger. But I still was too willing probably. And even though at the very beginning you called the men who ran away from me stupid… you ran too. Many times… and finally now because you found someone else.

I told you that I fell in love with you. So you know… but you probably figured it out before too. You’re not stupid. And for a couple weeks last month I was encouraged. C told me to not give up based on something you told him. But that only got me to crash harder when you told me about the other woman. It is confusing as hell, but I gotta keep first in mind what you told me. Not what C told me… and I have to let you go. And it hurts… it really does. It was all so different this time… I believed in it. Maybe I was stupid. Unrealistic. Blind. But I believed in all the “signs”. In that feeling of being home when with you. I was scared. But I held on to it. For months. This is why I couldn’t stop writing you. This is why I’ve supported you in your ambitions. This is why I still will… because I do believe in you.

But I have to let you go. And I don’t want to. And I wish I could go back to a year ago before that Team competition. But I cannot… and it affected a lot of other things. Just know it’s not easy to let you go. That the last time I had been in love was 10 years ago. And back then, it even was not real like that. It was immature.

You are unique. You are special. In many ways. I don’t know if it would have worked. If being given a chance by you, all the “signs” I saw would have been confirmed. Or if I was delusional once more. Maybe the latter… As usual. But I really cared… still do. And it would have been a great happiness if I had been given the chance. Not always easy, but so worth it.

Anyways… I wish you to be happy. I won’t wish you good luck with her because well… it’d be hypocritical with that tiny stupid hope remaining in my heart. But what I felt was not stupid. Was not unrealistic. Was not childish. It was sincere and true. Because you deserve it.

This letter is stupid… I know that. But I had to… and it is lost in the world of internet. No one knows about this blog… so you will never read this. It’s best that way. Don’t you think?

 

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