I have realized lately that I seem to react too much like a victim. At least I think I do… When people tell you to stop dwelling in self-pity… this more or less means you victimize yourself, no?
So how do I do that? Well… by feeling like life is not working out for me in some areas. That because I have been nice and was taught to do all you can for others, I’ve been used, misused and abused by many. It’s sad when there is such a thing as being “too nice”. But it seems that it’s my case. Yet, after many years of that, you reach the polar opposite. You become a bitch.
And I feel like I am never happy anymore at work. Every single thing addressed by the managers make me want to scream and rebel. “You need to do this and that and this and that”… after a while, I want to say no. Enough. It is not that I don’t respect authority. But when you do what you’re told, even if it’s not logical… you end up having to do it ALL the time, and you even have to start doing the things that are NOT part of your job. And you feed your manager like he is a baby unable to do most things… pathetic really. Yet, I don’t like the fact that I become a bitch due to that. It’s not good to lose my patience, to argue, to complain all the time. It’s not healthy and makes my nerve SO damn on edge that I could blow at any minute if I don’t hold it in. See… not good. I should not let that touch me. Yet how not to when your daily tasks are being affected by stupid management?
Also, in the love area… I feel like a total victim. I am far from being perfect. But I am also not at all a men collector, hitting on every man possible, sleeping around… far from me. From my days as a little girl I wanted to find Prince Charming. Sure it’s evolved… sure I’ve made mistakes. I am not all innocent and pure. Who is!? But I am also not so horrible that it would make sense why it never works out for me. And that’s when I feel like life is unfair. And it makes me want to scream, cry, fight and kick. There is no sense to this, and I should just accept it. Count my blessings, think of those who have it so much harder. However I still want to know why?! Why does it never work? Why even though I work on myself all the time, I still cannot manage to see a man really fall for me when I fall for him? And yes… I should simply trust God. Let Him deal with that… seek His will, accept without questioning… know that He has good things for me. Follow Him and follow His commandments. But it’s not that easy… because this dream as a little girl has been crushed now too many times. And I’ve lost hope. And it makes me so angry. So bitter.
So yes, it feels unfair… a lot of things seem unfair. And that’s when I seem to be acting like a victim. And it’s not good. But I don’t know how to act differently anymore. It seems I have no hold on my emotional responses at times, especially when I am tired. And I don’t like how I am. But how not to be that victim anymore? I don’t have the answer either… so I just am not happy with myself. Not happy with life. Yet I try my hardest to be thankful and to keep on moving forward. I am not a quitter… but at the moment I am rather lacking motivation to not quit. And I don’t want to be or be seen as a victim who whines…